I desperately need something to protect me from the constant depression raining down on me. It’s overwhelming, it’s my worst enemy. It’s my constant and very much unwanted companion. Thoughts of my Son, my Father, my Wife’s health. All lost in this month of October. My evil companions fuel each and every year.

Depression is an enemy that enjoys taking prisoners. It has the power to make its prisoners build their own cages. Awake or asleep, it always has you building a better, more inescapable cage.

I knew a few days ago things weren’t right with me so I started back on my BP meds. Last evening around 5 or so, it started to hit me pretty bad. Aching chest, high BP, distorted prismatic eyesight, racing heartbeat, random sweats etc. I had a few spells of doubling over from the chest pain. I’ve had these before, I knew what was coming. I went to bed early (for my standards) and was woken 4 or 5 times throughout the night from the pains re-occurring. It wasn’t a lot of fun and at one point I was seriously thinking about a 911 call fearing another TIA but decided not to. I did however do a quick review of my life and was satisfied that if in fact I was going to check out, my thoughts were clear and I had no guilt.
This past week, not sleeping, wondering and preparing for living at ground zero from Ian the Hurricane, worrying about friends and family, feeling the pain not of those lost but those still living in the hell that was delivered to them. Let’s just say it had this rubber band of mine wound to the point of snapping. I held it together until yesterday I guess. Once I had determined my family and home would be safe it finally broke.
As I write this my heart is still racing a bit, my head hurts, vision is restored and my chest feels like it’s been used as a punching bag. Nothing visible but it sure is bruised from the past 12 hours. So far even a few ibuprofen haven’t put a dent in it.
I’m rather happy knowing I didn’t make that call now though as I’d still be in some cold room all plugged in… wishing I wasn’t.
I’m so very sorry for all those that have it so much worse than I. I wish I could do more for them all.

“Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.”
Ray Bradbury

… there’s some really beautiful stuff out there.

I think wonderful thoughts as I experience Mother Nature on a walk or the drive to the coast to view her sunsets.

I need to learn to put these thoughts and views into words. Short, concise sentences.

It’s only a combination of 26 letters Marty. How difficult can that be!

… to read poems today while preparing my house for Ian the himmicane.

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.

Lord Byron

… during one of my episodes. Completely a mess, no peace, total confusion, a feeling of being disconnected from everything. Just living an isolated, cold, lonely existence.
The fear brings anxiety and causes tears, the tears feed the anxiety. Combined they’re paralyzing in both mind and body.

I wrote this a few days ago. Forgot to hit publish. I’m admittedly pretty bad with times and dates but I’m pretty sure that this has been going on for a week, maybe longer. The confusion is pretty bad. Sometimes it’s to the point I almost feel like I’ve got two minds. One is lost and the other is doing its best to keep it’s injured partner in line.
Today I was gassing up the van. I got out, went to the pump and realized I had left my wallet in the console. I went and got it, got back to the pump and just stood there not knowing what I was supposed to do next. I just stood there like an idiot for nearly a minute before I realized I had to get the gas card out and proceed. These loss of mental functions happen randomly probably 3 times a day. The other day I blew the turn into the doctors office and didn’t realize it until I was a good half mile past it. This is a place I had visited every single workday for the past three months!
The other day I went outside to give Bulleit a restroom break and damn near came back in leaving him outside.
Because I know I have these moments I’m always double, and often triple checking my every move.
Soon I’ll be going on a plane for a wedding on the other side of the country. The anxiety and fear of doing something wrong… or failing to do something right is a big concern of mine.

Results Monday and I just don’t think I’m supposed to be here. Making the blood draw appointment there were no humans to speak to. It was all done by me following prompts on my phone. I get and email later saying they had to push it back an hour. Back to following more prompts to reschedule the appointment they had cancelled.
Walked into the office 10 minutes early and had to check myself in using a kiosk that scanned my DL and insurance card. Again, no human. Not even a desk for one. Fully automated and to be completed by the patient. 25 minutes after my actual appointment time I get called in… by a real human. Hardly a hi how are you but she was quick to get my DL and insurance card again. I felt as if I was no longer a human at this point. I was a barcode and a magnetic strip that happened to carry around blood to be sampled.
I’m just losing faith in everything. I’m living in a world that is simply too hard and cold for me to want to be in.
I wrote this probably a few years ago now. Today the thought of it hit me pretty hard on the way home.
“Compassion and humanity can and will survive only as long as we can see the mystery in another’s eyes, the lips that are smiling, the tears running down another’s cheek.” Compassion isn’t gone altogether but it’s clearly on the endangered species list.

… since the nuking ceased. Energy levels are steadily improving but I’m still nowhere near the man I was just 6 months ago. Trips outside no longer require scouting for a restroom prior. That in itself is a huge relief. Pun intended!

The brain fog. Deep thoughts come with great difficulty. Sometimes I’ll think of something I want to learn more of. By the time I get my phone out of my pocket I’ve completely forgotten what it was I wanted to research. I stop myself, close my eyes and try to remember. I never had all that much upstairs but I sure miss what little I had. The deep, intense and often emotional thoughts that I would often have and would always treasure are all but gone. If they were elusive like my daily thoughts then it would just be a matter of chasing them down. There simply isn’t anything to chase. That part of me just must come back! As I sit here writing this I remember sitting in some pretty random places pondering. I can see myself sitting there beside a tree, on a beach, on a bench. Now I sit here wondering what all those thoughts were. This part of me must return as looking at the surface doesn’t lead my mind to the depths of previous ponderings.

Anxiety and its even more cruel brother depression. They visit often, they’re both here right now. I wish I had the words but if I did I’d probably do something really stupid and write them down so others would know what living with them is like. They’re beyond the most evil things I’ve ever experienced. They exist everywhere, they can go anywhere and often do conscious or not… yet in reality, neither actually exist.

I need to be able to ponder deeply again. Maybe the sunlight it brings to me will help burn off the fog.

I’m feeling a level of discomfort I’ve never felt before. Purely mental. Imagine your consciousness, every memory you’ve ever had melting away as you sat back and watched it all happen. Just sitting there watching your version of reality drip away. I’m a lot worried, even more frightened.

Where did you go Marty