all in a dream just prior to it all happening. Yes, it’s documented. I saw my mother in pain and distress and there wasn’t a thing I could do. It was horrific. I woke the next day to a text from my sister saying exactly what I saw the day prior. I wrote this after waking from the nightmares. ‘I hope more than anything that these next few days will be a turning point for my family. It really needs to happen.’
‘Peace’

Well it didn’t!

Now here I am packing to see her in her last days. It’s taken me hours to get ready when it should have only taken 45 minutes. I’m quite awake right now and I’m getting glimpses of something bad happening beyond what is already expected. My BP is much higher than I’d like, my anxiety pill was taken earlier so this all shouldn’t be happening to me. But here it is!

I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t scared. It’s like I’m lost and knowingly headed into something bad. I do not like what’s going on in this little mind of mine. I just want to get there safely to see my Mom. After that I don’t care what happens to me as long as whatever does, only involves me.

Be wrong this time Marty. Please be wrong.

… a few nights ago. Not until now did I realize many parts of it were happening in real life or were about to start.

My Mother is being prepared for hospice. I feel her in my heart and she’s happy about it as after having lost her husband, social life, mobility, and so many of the other things we humans desire. She’s simply done with this life of 95 years. I understand and don’t blame her.

I Love You So Very Much Mom. I’ll see you soon ok. I hope you feel my thoughts as I think I feel yours.

… simply isn’t long enough to be living in strife. It should be as open and as understanding of another as is humanly possible. Disputes, arguing, battles, wars simply shouldn’t be any part of anyone’s reality.

We’re better than this! Then again, maybe I’m just an idiot dreaming of what could be. What should be.

of temporary understanding. No really I did! Spotify figured I needed to hear it so along came this mind wandering little tune I’ve always enjoyed so much. No link provided. lol Look it up for yourself.

To Wish Impossible Things

To wish for peace and understanding among other humans… but I won’t be greedy, I’d be satisfied plenty if we just had an understanding. I think peace would follow if we were smart enough to realize it all.

… to The Cars playing ‘All Mixed Up’.

A few recent thoughts keep knocking on this mental door of mine. The knocking that never stops.

After all, it is all mixed up isn’t it. When will the mad, stop being mad? When will the sad, stop being sad? When will the misunderstandings, be understood. And most importantly! When will the inhumane, see their wrongs and become humane again or for the first time?

“She said leave it to me, everything will be alright”.

friend. She’s been to hell and back. Ignored and left to die, frozen, dehydrated, beat up, pulled out of her pot just to name a few. Her life sucked. There is simply no other way to describe it. But this morning she said thanks the only way she could.

She’s my little pound plant. There’s an animal rescue saying that goes something like: ‘Who Rescued Who’. Well I’m here to say, that saying goes far beyond those that are furry.

The poor thing is bringing me a lot of joy showing me her new leaf.

Some look outward for a meaning in life.
Some look inward for the meaning of life.
Some just look very confused.

by many, I need to start socializing. Get out they said, be in groups, get out of your cave. It’ll do you good. You’ll have fun with life again.

So I tried. One of the excursions into the social expanse was a trivia group that met every Tuesday from 5.30 till whenever. Now I rarely had a great time but a few were admittedly really fun, a few were simply lessons in patience. The good won over the just ok times so I continued the course in how to crawl out of the cave and survive among others.

That all ended this evening! But before all hell broke loose… believe it or not, the last question related to amusement park rides. I nailed it! The group leader went the smart route instead of the greedy and bet wisely. Our team went from being last place, to winning. We all lined up for a photo op all smiles. Apparently, not all smiles were sincere.

As I write this, all I remember was a bunch of people swinging at each other and some part of me said no more! No more violence, no more arguing. Simply no more hurt in any form. I stood in front of the guy that seemed to be the source of the issue and continually said ‘no more’ at the top of my lungs as I backed him away from the bullshit. His opposition was bitching at me something about ‘did you see him assault me?’ All I had left in my vocabulary was ‘we’re all better than this’. Which was expressed repeatedly in a quite loud tone.

So apparently. Somewhere in all that I took a few hits upside my head. Those will heal in time I guess but the damage done deep inside me won’t heal soon. I doubt it seriously if it ever will. Let me clarify that. No. It never will!

I’m done with it!

And the timing of it all was probably the most heartbreaking part of the evening. A fine gent probably 85 asked for the microphone after the game and before the pictures began. He asked all the vets to raise their hands, this is something (I never do!) but tonight was different as I felt the empathy he most obviously had. He wasn’t asking for a damn thing but a common respect and the ‘camaraderie’ so many don’t understand. He, in so many words simply asked for unity among all. 5 minutes later I’m sure all he saw was what hell looked like… all over again.

Do all that were there owe him an apology a hug, a handshake, maybe all just written? Absolutely! And maybe somehow we can show him in person, how sincere, how much we understood what he had said and what we had learned from his efforts. But I know humanity. That would never happen. And that!!! Is what is so wrong. Humanity and compassion has been overwhelmed by their opposites.

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.”

I wish more than anything, I knew infinite understanding. I so desperately need to know so much more.

But I guess that’s two sentences isn’t it. I never was all that good at instructions… or answers.

I remember exactly when this picture was taken. I was offshore of Crystal River, FL in the Gulf sitting in my much trusted kayak. I was at the perfect place. I felt/knew Mom was going to put on quite a show that night so I got into a spot I thought would be the perfect… ‘spot’. I grabbed the real camera out of the day hatch, cleaned up the lens and made sure the battery was good. I tethered the paddle and threw it overboard so it couldn’t possibly muck anything up.
I knew when I had taken it, that it was at least my version, my vision of perfection! I was so happy knowing I nailed it I was giddy getting home that night to see it on a larger screen.
That paddle happened to be one of my last long offshore trips. Had I known then what she had in store for all I’ve ever known, I’d have probably just kept going chasing her and stopping permanently someplace just short of somewhere.
My desire to be back out there seeing Nature, living life on the edge is greater than anything I know of!
It kinda needs to happen again… and soon.

Possibly one of more than a few edits. Yeah, this post means much to me and it cuts pretty deep. “If you aren’t on the edge, you’re taking up too much space”. Edge? What edge? That must change!