… since the end of radiation treatments. The following aren’t complaints. They’re just the very real physical and emotional issues either directly or indirectly brought on from being nuked. No particular order either. They are all quite common to some degree. At some point during my day they are all experienced. Sometimes they’re just an inconvenience, sometimes they just shatter me on the inside.
* Mental withdrawal. I often just want to be somewhere else. Almost anywhere would be acceptable. I’ve sometimes even left my furry friend behind as I find it difficult to be responsible for anything but myself. Sometimes I simply don’t care about much.
* Emotional meltdowns. Duration and severity is a toss of the dice. The long and nasty ones nearly take me over the edge. An immensely overwhelming feeling of despair.
* Never, and I mean never be more than just a few minutes from a restroom or at least a private spot in the woods. A rather disgusting thing to write much less read but it’s reality.
* Brain Fog. The inability to concentrate is pretty bad. More often than not I get so confused I don’t know (or forget) what I’m confused about. It’s like seeing a train coming. Do I move because I know it’s going to hurt or do I fail to realize it’s a damn train coming at me. I find myself sitting down, pulling over etc. just to regroup. I know I miss things, I just don’t know what they were. It’s difficult to explain but I know the feeling that I’m missing something all too well.
* Fatigue Part 1
I wear myself out mentally just trying to remember what not to forget.
* Fatigue Part 2
I often become so physically exhausted just getting up to brush my teeth and into bed I pass on. Wherever I happen to be at that moment is where I sleep for the night.
* Over sleeping. Well let’s see. 2 or 3 half hour naps during the day. 10 to 12 hours at night. I’ve seen too much of the inside of my eyelids.
* My search for compassionate thoughts, views and feelings of empathy, have never been greater. I find myself going to great lengths just to see a spark. A small flame would be excellent to gaze at or ponder but I’m more than satisfied with just a brief, momentary spark. When found, I find myself nearly overwhelmed in joy. Sadly it’s always temporary but I still try very hard to keep it lit. Then poof!

I had a shindig this past Saturday. Everyone that meant everything to me showed up. Right now I’m remembering that I think and hope everyone had a nice time but I don’t know as I don’t remember much if any of the details. The thoughts just can’t be recalled and it bothers me greatly! It meant so much to me to see all those that came.
Sunday was a lot of mental turbulence. Again I don’t remember many of the details but I know it was a day I care not to relive.
Today I got up at an earlier time than I normally do and had no alarm set. Made the coffee, checked the emails and here I sit 4 or 5 hours later in a stupor. No thoughts, no plans, I know I have a lot of work to do but I have no idea on how to accomplish it all. I feel like I just don’t care. I’ve no sorrow, compassion or anything! I’d ponder but my mind is a blank slate.
Do I feel that this is related to the radiation? Absolutely!
I do not like this feeling of being separated from everything including myself.

Lasting Side Effects

… of being Nuked. Going to the restroom hasn’t changed much. The immediate urgency and the lack of anything happening (#1 or 2) is troublesome. And depending on where I am at the time can be great cause for worry. So far no mistakes but close calls have been many. It’s impossible to know or feel if it’s just gas or the real thing. Often both.
Fatigue is starting to lessen but not by a whole lot. Naps are still required often but length needed has improved. For a number I’ll say by 15 to 20%. I’ll take what I can get and I’ll like it!
The desire for sex is gone! Too bad as I really enjoyed it.
And saving the worst for last is Brain Fog, yea, even worse than the last issue mentioned. It was the last things I noticed as far as a side effect and at first I attributed it to my stress and anxiety levels along with some of the new pills I’ve been popping. I first noticed the fog always being there vs a part time occurrence about 3/4’s the way through my treatments which there were 45 in total. About the time the treatments were done is when it appeared to be the worst and improvement has yet to be felt/thought. I’m not only forgetting dates, I’m forgetting how to calculate some very simple functions. As an example: last night I tried setting my alarm and for the life of me I could not find the icon on my phone to do it. Once found, it took me much longer to complete the task. Remembering phone calls, customers names, past events have all become hit or miss with far more misses. They say that will go away after time. I’m not too patient but I’ll be waiting. It’ll be nice forgetting how much and how often I used to forget. Kind of funny really as 6 years ago I posted this. “Forgetting.” And I remember having the thoughts that made me post it then.
meh, forget it!

This is something I’ll be delving into. And if I know myself very well, it will be something I’ll be visiting again often, so be prepared for many edits/updates.

I often term it as pondering. Without further research I think it’s very similar if not the same. It’s something I do often but never enough. Call it conscious daydreaming with a purpose.

To study later: If awareness of the environment . . . is the criterion of consciousness, then even the protozoans are conscious. If awareness of awareness is required, then it is doubtful whether the great apes and human infants are conscious.

To study later: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_event

I’ve known him since the evening before my first treatment. I know he’s a single use plastic guy which I don’t much care for but he was the only thing capable of carrying such a large amount of water (1 liter) that would fit in my vans cupholder. Every evening he’d get refilled, put in the fridge for the next mornings 27.6 mile ride to the Borg. By the time we arrived he’d be empty again and my bladder would be full and ready for assimilation. He and I have been thru a lot of shit together.
Now this may sound odd but I’d hate to just pitch my little plastic pal.

I’ll preface this by going back a week or two. A warning as this is being posted without much proofing. Sorry in advance for the typo’s etc. I’m winging it.
Prior to the treatments I asked a lot of technical/life/life quality questions to the Doc, to the Social Worker I asked for help, to the folks in the radiation room I asked for forgiveness for the way I may come off to them. It’s not my fault they operate the machines that I see as an enemy that aids in my assimilation. Hell, I think I asked the front desk questions. I take that back, I know I did.
The people at the facility are amazing! Each and every one of them! Caring, compassionate, all are very warm and beyond friendly. Especially the Social Worker. She has been a lifeboat several times when I was so far out to sea I didn’t much care if I ever saw land again. Someday I may appreciate the life raft, someday I may not. She has seen more of me than anyone should. How she listens to people in my state and goes home sane everyday is something I will never understand. I am constantly amazed by her inner strength. I wish I had more.
To those that were told by me that I was getting nuked before I really was, I sincerely apologize. I wasn’t expecting sympathy but I was lying. It was mental preparation. I was simply trying to prepare myself for a future reality I had chosen.

Day 1. June 1, 2022. 44 more.
Arrived on time as told. All prep asked for was done. Got in my robe all prepped and ready. Bladder was about to burst. lol
Got into the room and positioned on the table by the folks placed in my leg mold. Once told I was positioned correctly that was it. I turned my lights out. I was woken up and I left. I don’t think I spoke a word, I did what was asked. I never looked directly at my enemy. I closed my eyes as soon as I could.
It was all about avoidance of reality. I did my best to steer away from the crash. After being nuked I met with the Doc and asked more questions. Type of radiation, amount, what damage assessment would look like after 44 more. I’ll just say it wasn’t exactly what I was expecting but it was reality!, And he was honest.
After seeing him it was off to the Captain of the lifeboat. It wasn’t pretty. I’ll leave it at that.

Day 2. June 2. 43 more.
Knew the drill. There was a short wait to get in which gave me some time to ponder so that I did. 12 hours after my second treatment I’m already feeling some effects. Feeling the need to go more often when there’s nothing there. I took my first afternoon nap in a very long time. 15 minutes was all but I needed it. Possibly just fatigue, will probably never know much less care in a few weeks most likely.

Day 3. June 3. 42 more.
Other than the intended goal of the radiation and the side effects of said damage down the road, I think it’s just going to be an inconvenient routine getting nuked every weekday morning.
I’m still having issues wrapping my mind around what is being done to me and the thought of being assimilated by a cold heartless machine. I doubt if that well ever change.

Weekend Off.
There’s no radiation on weekends and holidays. It gives the good cells a chance to regenerate after being put through hell.
The side effects of three treatments so far are being felt though. Fatigue, the feeling of having to go even though very little comes out and the wait time for it to start. Always sit for #one now as I may be standing for quite awhile.
And most discomforting is the feeling I have in that area. There is zero pain and it’s not a mental thing. I do feel something different down there. Difficult to describe but it’s quite real.
I completely wasted a perfectly good weekend sitting around. Not that I didn’t want to, simply I didn’t have the energy for much of anything else. Bummer.

Day 4. June 6. 41 more.
Pre treatment. It’s off to the races again today. /
I’m getting ready for todays treatment with an uncomfortable, anxious anticipation. A feeling has come over me that my body is being altered faster than my mind can deal with it.
My lifestyle isn’t the same. Neither is my level of energy.
Possibly just too much pondering I guess.
Post treatment. Same level of nervous anticipation as I waited and as I left. There is a real feeling of something different down there. Call it a very mild ache. Not at all painful, just a dull ache in a very isolated spot deep inside me.
A half an hour before I leave for my 30 minute trip I drink 2, 8oz glasses of water. On the way I drink another 36oz as my bladder is supposed to be full. So far so good but expelling all of the H20 is like spinning the wheel. Sometimes I need a restroom immediately and all that comes out is a thimble full. Other times I have a mild urgency and out comes a half quart. Many changes in me so far. I have a feeling many more are yet unfelt.

Day 5. June 7. 40 more.
Sadly, I’m still not wrapping my head around the assimilation. I had a decent anxiety attack yesterday from the thought of today. For some reason, I feel this one is going to be different but it’s just a feeling.
Bulleit and I took a walk last night with a wonderfully dear friend who invited us. It was on my mind when I woke this morning. the thoughts are very calming.
You’re getting old Marty. / Yeah, I know!
(that was all written 20 minutes ago)
Seems my heart is off doing a Zoomie now. I really don’t like all of this!
Well today was indeed different. I just got a call from the Docs office. The machine is down so no treatment until tomorrow.

Day 6. June 8. 40 more.
Woke up feeling a good bit down and confused and it hasn’t subsided yet. I realize this is the supposed cure but I can’t shake the thought that I’m just in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Well? Off for more assimilation.
I’m here in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called. As I look around all I see is illness and long faces, if there was a mirror I’d be looking at myself no differently. This is a very dark place and the more I see and experience, the darker it gets.
My time on the table went well. Took myself out and was woken up after completion. I’m getting very good at turning myself off with the practice these daily visits give me.
Today was my weekly meet with the nurse and Doc after my treatment. Upon walking in the room I see a box of Pop Tarts. Now pondering a box of breakfast cookies isn’t exactly something I’d ever see myself doing but here I am doing just that. It was given to me as a gift from a very compassionate nurse. For some reason during last weeks visit they came up in conversation, so she got me a box, a value pack no less = )… and they’re the kind that are sometimes not so easy to find. Frosted Wild Berry, my favorite!
I’ve had a few gifts given to me lately from some very warm people I did not know until recently. To those people. You will never know the impact that you have made on this guys life.
I thank you all.

Day 7. June 9. 39 more.
The treatment is over for today. Walked in and out with no problems. Right now my mind is filled with so many thoughts about anything and everything. I wish I could stop one long enough to concentrate on it. I’m at one of my stops on the way home to have a chat and admire my best friend Mother Nature. I need to slow it down a notch or two. She’s really good at helping me in that department.

Day 8. June 10. 38 more.
For the past few days plus maybe a couple more, I’ve felt a part of me being killed off/dying inside from the radiation. It’s a very slight feeling of a dull presence if that makes any sense. I woke up this morning and it was again the first thing I felt. It’s a part of me that in another couple of dozen treatments will no longer function as it has or even exist for that matter. A part of me is the proverbial baby being thrown out with the bath water. It’s an odd feeling being altered internally… in slow motion.
I have to find a tree to ponder under.
I woke from the table the same as always with the assistant nudging me. This time it was an embarrassing moment for myself, possibly the assistant as well, I don’t believe it went unnoticed. My inhumanity meter just got bumped up a few degrees.
I just got back home. I had an unexpected appointment with a very special person helping me through this after the treatment. Our visits together have always been good, today seemed to help a bit more than previous visits.
And then on the way home, this was texted to me by another Truly Special Friend of mine. It’s been the source of many thoughts since I first read it.

Weekend Update. June 12.
There have been many changes in this body of mine both physically and mentally. On top of dealing with the cancer, I’ve also been getting a lot of help with my depression. Some good, some bad, some I’m still on the fence about. My eating, drinking, social, private, and sleep habits have all been altered greatly!
Cancer and it’s treatment. I can feel my prostate fighting for survival. It doesn’t know it yet but it’s doomed. There’s no pain involved but I can most definitely feel its presence. I’ll miss it here soon.
The fatigue. This is a global issue in my body as nothing has been spared.
Mentally I’m at a 6 on a 1 to 10 scale, a 5 might be more accurate. In a little corner of my mind I feel the need to be more active but when I give it serious thought I decide otherwise and just sit down. It’s not depression. I’ll call it mental lethargy. Most everything is just blah.
Physically. Wow. Where do I start? Monday mornings are my best times. The daily radiation throughout the week takes me down a notch or two each day until Friday comes along. By then I’m lacking pretty much all energy and the will to get out much. I don’t think it wise or safe to kayak and riding a bike is a little uncomfortable down there.
Saturday feels much like Friday but Sunday is a little better as I’ve been given a break from the radiation for almost two days. It’s Sunday now though and I really don’t feel like doing a whole lot of anything. Not at all depressed, just blah.

My mind has been anything but the same. Every day is uncharted territory.
This is the good! I’ve had a few emotional meltdowns since the new prescription started but they’ve been less frequent, much less severe and often short lived.
This is the bad! Anyone that knows me very well knows I like to ponder. Call it intentional day dreaming. I’d find a peaceful spot like under a tree, along the shoreline, sometimes just sitting on the couch at 2am. Many thoughts very deep would go wizzing by and after a short time, one would enter my mind and become lodged. Then it would be off the the races as they say. I’d pick apart the thought/s down to the most minut part. I enjoyed these times exploring my mind immensely! I haven’t had one in over a week. My empathy has also taken a hit. I find it difficult, if not impossible to think thoughtful things of Nature or and the good in people. I haven’t seen the stars in a long time as I’ve never thought I needed to look up.
As I sit here and write this, I wonder if I was better off to be depressed as I miss this one part of me so dearly. Last week I would be writing this with tears running down my cheek. Now I just throw down words to describe it. No feelings good or bad. I fear pure logic.

Day 9. June 13. 37 more.
Is it Friday yet? Uneventful treatment today. Getting very tired though. 7pm is the new bedtime for me.

Day 10. June 14. 36 more.
Unless something out of the normal happens it could very well be copy paste from here on out. lol Wishful thinking.

Day 11. June 15. 35 more.
It’s Wednesday I get to see all the staff today, some staff get to see all of me. The nuke team, doc and the lifeboat captain.

Day 12. June 16. 34 more.
Physically, my feeling of a dull presence down below is slowly turning into a very mild ache. Not a big deal at all but it’s always letting me know it’s still there and it is not at all happy about the situation. It hasn’t seen the worst of it yet.

Mental Status. I was given a new drug for the depression that was becoming a hill too tall to climb. Doc said one a day and I should notice a change in 1 to 2 weeks. Knowing how I react to drugs I knew better and halfed the dosage. 3 days later big changes were occurring. Anxiety was still there but to a much lesser degree. Emotional meltdowns and its bigger brothers ‘The Horrific Feeling of Despair’ had all gone. There was/is nothing wrong I thought with having those in my rear view. Sadly along with the bad being no longer, the good and personally wonderful deep thoughts were thrown out. I term it as my pondering. My trips and thoughts as I travel inside mean everything to me.

So, after a week of being on a half dose, I’ve discontinued these until the radiation is complete and my body is better to handle multiple issues. I stopped them 3 days ago and here I am again, in the woods pondering the life of a tortoise.

It’s great to be back again.

Day 14. June 17. 33 more.
I thought yesterday was Friday and that I was done for the week. Woops. Things are feeling mildly upset down there in prostate land. No pain, just a rather uncomfortable ache that just doesn’t go away. It’s not an issue really as I haven’t even taken an aspirin for it.

Weekend Update. June 19.
This update I would not recommend reading unless you’re going thru the same or you’re about to and really want to know what may be ahead… or you’re me who is only writing this as something to look back on as it’s now a part of my history.
I have a few questions for the Doc regarding new issues, feelings acquired over the past 3 or 4 days etc. and some things I’m just plain curious about.
Q’s were compiled Sunday. The A’s came from the Doc Monday
Q. What’s with the gas? My stomach sounds like a diesel engine. Burping more than I ever have and yes, it’s coming out of there also.
A. It’s your intestines taking a beating from the radiation. Simply put, they are going thru hell and they aren’t all too happy about it.
Q. The feeling of having to do #2 in the worst way but nothing comes out. And when it does it’s a very small amount of a gooey something? Similar feeling with #1.
A. The #2 something is mucous created by the intestines because they think something is really wrong… and they happen to be right! The needing to go both 2 and 1 is that the entire area is to a degree, run by the same set of nerves/muscles. Cramping, spasms and such affect the multiple organs. That answer may not have be written with great accuracy but I believe that’s how it was described.
Q. The fluid (not urine) that sometimes exits my willy at random times. Not felt either awake or asleep. This hasn’t caused any embarrassment yet, but boy it sure could in the future prior to the end of my treatments!
A. If you don’t know the function of the prostate or the cowper’s glands, go off to Google and find out. Here’s the answer to the question though. It’s fluid from both of these glands. Yeah, that. Since the prostate is shrinking due to the radiation, it’s pushing out what is being made or what happens to still be around I guess. This will slowly cease to happen because the prostate will slowly cease to exist.
Here’s the punchline. Along with all the uncomfortable and or inconvenient things you’ll experience or feel during all of this, when you walk away from the radiation treatments you’ll more than likely be sterile and unable to ejaculate. It’s not a guarantee but you should still feel the feeling and be able to perform. Here’s another one you may have to look up. Anejaculation.

Day 15. June 20. 32 more.
Other than getting the above questions answered by the doc and nurse, today was close to being the same as other recent visits. I have to emphasize the feeling of going to the restroom is more frequent and often more uncomfortable than the same day last week. No plateau yet that I’m aware of but I sure am looking forward to scaling it. Maybe even falling down the other side. Now wouldn’t that be dandy.

It’s 9:30pm. I’ve been in bed now for 2 hours trying to get to sleep but can’t. Kidneys ache, lungs feel like clay, skin all across my body has a mild tingling feeling, heart is pounding (no anxiety), I feel like I have to pee but nothing happens when I try. Same feeling in the rear. My stomach is gurgling quite loud and my head hurts.

Not being negative, just being a realist. How on earth I’ll ever feel normal again is beyond me. I have a feeling that this is the beginning of a very long drawn out ending. I’ve never felt so bad in so many places in my life! The good news is that up until now, my mind is still in pretty good shape. I know me pretty well and that part I don’t understand but I’ll take what I can get at the moment.

Day 16. June 21. 31 more.
Yesterday I looked back thru some of my old posts. Boy was I ignorant saying it was probably just going to be more of the same. I wish! Nothing is the same and the only thing ‘more’ are changes and the degrees to which the old have increased. Nothing is unaffected by radiation for me. I just turns your life on end.
I had my treatment today. Prior I had a meltdown, I’d say a 3 on a 10 scale. Leaving I had another, probably a 7 and it lasted much longer. Pretty much the remainder of the day was spent in a stupor.
It’s 6:30pm. I’ve just woken up from an hour plus long nap and will probably be sleeping again by 8pm. I’m not me anymore.

Day 17. June 22. 30 more.
No sleep last night (4 hours maybe) having severe pains in my intestines. Was on the pot more than I was anything else after I woke up. Got to the docs just in time and beelined it to the bathroom. Once that was over I went in for treatment feeling just horrible. Today was meeting day with nurses and doc so I asked him. He looked at me funny and told me it was gas, he could see it on the scans. I’ve never had it before and was clueless as to what it might have been. So I now take 6 to 8 simethicone chewables vs the 2 per day I was taking. I’ve had 4 now since 9.30am and feel much better. Peeing has become painful every time. It use to be 10 or 20 percent of the time. I get a horrible urge to go and I might pee a thimble or two worth. lol This is now a real PITA and then some!

Day 18. June 23. 29 more.
An uneventful day on the table. Got there just in time to be called in. Things went smoothly and the pains along with the urge to go to the bathroom have eased off almost to a normal point with the increased amount of gas pills I’m taking. I’ve also found that I actually like to drink water now that I’ve been drinking so much of it for the treatments. Who’d have thought.

Day 19. June 24. 28 more.
I forgot to log this day. It must not have been anything different as I can’t remember it. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t feeling the greatest though.

Weekend Update. June 25.
Saturday was not good. Gut is sore!, I slept probably 80 percent of the day and along the path the radiation makes I get what looks and feels like mosquito bites and that comes with the itching as well. After a few days everything goes away but the red spot. They say it’s bug bites, I disagree.
Sunday I got out for a few hours to see a friend and get my poor dog outside for a bit. I was going to ride and it never happened. We all wound up walking which looking back was a good idea, possibly a great one. Came back home around 7pm I guess, completely worn out!

Day 20. June 27. 27 more.
This is an issue that’s getting progressively worse. I use to get up an hour prior to arrival all cleaned up and on time for the nuker. When my intestines started giving me fits I had to get up a little earlier as some time on the loo was required for a comfortable departure and time on the table. No biggie, I only needed an additional 15 or 20 minutes.
I’m now getting up 2.5 hours prior and leaving here is sometimes a questionable thing. It’s very uncomfortable and when it comes on I have but a few minutes to take care of it.
I can’t help but worry one of these days there’s going to be an accident. Here’s to hoping not. Oh and those spots that mimic skeeter bites? There’s more of them.
edit. I got 9.5 hours of sleep last night. It’s not 1pm and I’m off for a nap. This kinda sucks!

Day 21. June 28. 26 more.
The late arrivals after waking early due to the “Loo Factor” I’ll call it is still a thing. It truly is a pain in the backside.
So I get there, strip down, put on my robe and go out into the waiting room like I always do. There’s this gentleman a few years older than I with who I assume is his daughter. He can’t speak and this time no words were needed. I’ve only seen him a few times prior but this time was much different. He had that look of anguish and despair I know all too well. He’d have rather been a million other places in life but there he was with that blank stare. It was breaking my heart and his companions to see him in such a state. As I was called in I stopped and said to him ‘hang in there please’ then patted his hand and off I went.
Today was the first time in all my visits I didn’t put myself out as I couldn’t get that poor man and the thoughts he was probably having out of my mind. Then half way through the treatment comes one of my meltdowns. Absolutely not a thing I could do about it. The waves came crashing in and I can’t move. Tried my hardest to maintain an even breath as I cried like a kid. Sadly, now others have seen me in that terrible state.
I do hope his day, week, life becomes a more pleasant place than it was today. Hang in there please sir.

Day 22. June 29. 25 more.
Todays treatment was truly an uneventful one. Nothing weird, no new pains issues etc.
I met with the doc today after seeing the nuke as I do every Wednesday. He said all my issues are to be expected and are occurring pretty much on schedule. Advised Aleve twice a day with food to avoid the cramps I’m having down below which have been around since last Saturday ish. Also the blotches that are appearing across my mid section are either a very rare reaction to my radiation or possibly shingles. Jury is still out on that though and I don’t feel like pursuing it at this time as I think I already have enough crap on my plate. Oh and one more thing that I’ve been giving much thought to. Would I do it all over again? I’m 64 and up until very recently have been active. Much more so than the average guy my age. My cancer when first detected had a Gleason score of 7 (the good 7, not bad). Nothing is the same and it’ll be worse by the time it’s all over. After feeling and knowing what my future holds… Absolutely Not!

Day 23. June 30. 24 more.
This one wore me out. I’m better physically with very little gut pains thanks to the Aleve and simethicone but man am I tired. All that said, I didn’t make it to bed until midnight.

Day 24. July 01. 23 more.
One of my waiting room friends who I’ve come to like so much had her last treatment today. I wish her all the best, she’s a real sweetheart of a lady. I’d love to see her again sometime… just not here at the nuke shop. You take care my friend.
Rough day, every single part of me feels like hell. Oh, and as of today, I’m half way through this mess. yay

Weekend Update. July 02. (3 day weekend, 3 days no radiation)
3 day weekend wasted. Sleeping or awake in the horizontal position feeling like crap for the most part. I did get out on the 4th prior to the fireworks to walk Bulleit. Poor guy has been out so little with all this. I sprained my damn foot.

Day 25. July 05. 22 more.
I never really recovered from last weeks treatments but had another today. Rough day due to radiation induced indigestion, radiation induced weakness and stupid induced sprained foot. Had to break out the ol trusty crutch for todays fun.

Day 26. July 06. 21 more.
I met with the doc being Wednesday. Had a few questions regarding my last doc that diagnosed this. What I had thought was confirmed. That bastard put me thru hell with an MRI and a few other tests just for the money! I don’t hate the guy, I don’t wish him anything but the best. Karma will take care of what he is so deserving of.
I also asked to see the pics/scans of my insides. Bladder, prostate, fiducials, a bone here and there with lots of other innards. It was super interesting to see what they do, of me.
This body shop is just full of the greatest and most caring people. I’m fortunate to have them fixing me up.
Left the treatment and picked up Rene’ from MCO. Good to have her back after nearly 2 weeks in both CA and CO. Wish I had been in better shape for her return. It took a lot out of me just driving the 4 hours round trip.

Day 27. July 07. 20 more.
Just a bad day all over. Nothing more said.

Day 28. July 08. 19 more.
To try and get out of my mental and more importantly, physical state/rut, I pushed it pretty hard today. All seemed somewhat OK until about 8.30pm. Right foot is swollen and bruised from the sprain on the 4th, both hands, especially the right one started itching like mad around 3pm ish. Put some cortisone cream on and it subsided a good bit but was still there. By the time I went to bed my fingers were swollen to nearly the size of my thumb.
It seems just about every part of me is on the fritz.

Weekend Update. July 09.
Saturday. This thing called life is beginning to suck! Walking hurts with my foot out. I found it extremely difficult this morning using a screwdriver as my hands feel like the Michelin mans. None of those are related to the radiation but that’s really killing me with all the side effects as well.
This morning I started pondering and found myself entering some dark places. Not well enough to go outside and straighten my act up with some nature.
Sunday Update I will spend my days regretting the decision I had made to take radiation as a treatment. I would feel no differently regarding prostate removal/surgery. It is all simply not worth it.
I would stop right now but the docs all say that things are too far along and everything would just be worse. Oh well, life will go on for me it appears.

Day 29. July 11. 18 more.
It was an uneventful morning appointment. I didn’t put myself out this visit as I just rested horizontally with much regret for the 10 minutes it took. Since the diagnosis, since the biopsies and marker placements, since the radiation treatments began I’ve aged a decade physically. Probably twice that mentally. The mental anguish has simply been all consuming. It’s just a living nightmare. I’m certainly not asking for sympathy, just stating my thoughts.
I’ll never again be who I was mentally… and certainly not physically.
Never again Marty, never again!

Day 30. July 12. 17 more.
No problems today. Everyone was quite kind as always. The assimilator, assimilated. I just wish I could stop now though. It’s quite unbearable.

Day 31. July 13. 16 more.
Today was uneventful on the table and the Wednesday doc chat went well… but I did have an epiphany of sorts on the way in as I was regretting my decision opting for radiation.
Well I had almost all of my epiphany written down and decided it would be better for me to just keep it to myself. I will say this though. I’ve made too many choices in life (many big one’s) because I thought that’s what people did/should do. To me, radiation was just one more of those to add to the list. Never again Marty. Never again!

Day 32. July 14. 15 more.
I slept horrible last night. I seemed to have one nightmare after another. I woke up this morning to prepare for some table time and felt like I’d been drugged. Comprehension regarding everything just wasn’t there and neither was my balance. Thought for a bit for a way to get to the docs without driving but I couldn’t think of a plan B. I wound up driving myself and barely remembered the trip. I must have been ok though as I had a state trooper behind me for a few miles. Looking back at this morning up until just now and it’s almost like the entire day has just been a dream I’m living. It’s an odd feeling that in my 64 years of existence I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. I’m not feeling sick and I don’t think I can attribute any of it to the treatments. I don’t know if I’m falling apart from the inside out, or the outside in but I’m simply not digging it. Taking the rest of the day off to ponder and try to put myself back together again.

Day 33. July 15. 14 more.
Oh boy. Shower drain has hair all on it, I wonder where that came from.
This is the cure I thought. I can see it now. “Man survives Cancer, dies because the cure made him not give a shit!”
It’s nearly 10.30 at night. It started raining outside so I went out in it listening to some songs. I’m still soaked, thinking how wonderful it felt.

Weekend Update. July 16.
It just feels like the radiation is killing me. My gut is a knotted up rope. I’m afraid to go anywhere as I don’t think I could make it to a restroom in time. Hair is still falling out, I’m tired beyond belief and my foot is still swollen from the incident on the 4th.
The AC went and parts aren’t coming in until next Tuesday. It’s very hot sitting on the john or laying in the recliner. My current hangouts.
Depression is so bad right now I don’t want to communicate with anyone. I can honestly say it’s as bad now as I can ever remember it being. The ol black dog has a hold of me good!

Day 34. July 18. 13 more.
Read the above weekend update. I couldn’t make it on time again this morning as I had too many time consuming pit stops prior to leaving. I continue to have to wake earlier to get prepared for the treatments. This is twice now and it bugs the hell out of me not being on time.
Never never never again will I subject my body… and mind, to something as mentally evil and as painful as this!

.
Day 35. July 19. 12 more.
Very depressed last evening and today. Nothing bad happened but nothing good did either. Time on the table was the same as it has been for the past few weeks.

Day 36. July 20. 11 more.
Bad day preparing for treatment. I didn’t feel safe being more than 10ft from a toilet and this went on for a good hour. Finally got to feeling better and made it in time for the table.
Today was meeting with the doc day. Nothing was changed but my Aleve dosage was doubled to 2 in the AM and PM. Had many questions regarding prostate function along with testes function. Parts of my body will not be participating in certain events anymore.

Day 37. July 21. 10 more.
It appears doubling up on the Aleve made quite a difference. Pains down below were all but gone this morning and getting out wasn’t nearly as worrying as it has been lately. This is great news!
I expressed my appreciation to many people today. Some from the nuke site, some not. It was a relief to get the thoughts out and to the people that mean so much to me.
Thanks all.

Day 38. July something. 9 more.
What a horrible horrible day. Meltdowns before, during, and after. I’m sitting in the back of my van in the parking lot just completely lost. The feeling of despair is just horrible. The feeling of continuing this has reached its peak I think… I hope so anyway!
Right now, I just don’t give a shit about much!

Weekend Update. July 23.
The weekend was spent with a fair amount of intestinal pain. I experienced a lot of vertigo as well. Not just from getting up but at completely random times such as walking or sitting. I think it’s due to the higher dosage of Aleve.
The weekend could be considered an absolute failure as I didn’t do much other than sleep or rest. I chose not to drive anywhere due to the vertigo.

Day 39. July 25. 8 more.
Made a joke about Stockholm Syndrome to the nuke engineer. I must have worded it incorrectly as she took it wrong. lol It kind of freaked her out. Sorry K, really I am.
Rather severe intestinal pains getting ready this morning and on the way in. It’s the first time in all the treatments I couldn’t finish all the water. I didn’t need to though as I about peed my pants during treatment. Oh boy was that an uncomfortable 10 minutes.

Day 40. July 26. 7 more.
First and foremost, I had to clarify to the nuke engineer what I had said yesterday. She wasn’t offended (or at least she said she wasn’t). That was a big relief! She’s a wonderful person, the last thing I’d want to do is hurt her feelings in anyway.
The need to go early in the morning (both) is as bad as it’s ever been. No slip ups yet thank heavens. I’m confident the Aleve dosage is giving me the vertigo but without it I’d be doubled over in pain as this past weekend I didn’t take any, or I should say I tried not to take any. That didn’t last long and relief was quick.
Today on the way home I got sick to my stomach. To the point I had to pull over and puke. Another first! I attribute it to not one thing but everything. My mind, nerves, eating habits, body functions, you name it, are all on on their last legs.
And as I was told at the beginning of all of this, my ‘e’ is all but gone. I will never again be who I was.

Day 41. July 27. 6 more.
Getting ready, to get ready. I have bad vibes about things right now.

I’ve never felt so empty. Everything is just black. I have no hope, and I don’t even care. Nothing more to write.

Day 42. July 28. 5 more.
A whole lotta pain. Looking back in my life I’ve had worse, just never this duration. 5 more. Goodnight Irene.

Day 43. July 29. 4 more.
More pain and a lot of it. I can’t think of any of my core parts that don’t feel like hell. The pain isn’t like something you would normally feel. It’s deep and it’s mildly severe. It wears me out just trying to fight it off. Aleve up until now has worked well but I guess my body is getting accustomed to it.

Weekend Update. July 30.
I spent the entire weekend asleep or trying to sleep. The overall pain is just that, a pain. If I’m sleeping I don’t feel it.
A small part of me that use to bring extreme satisfaction is now offline. I don’t know if it’s temporary or not and I don’t know if it’s because of mental stress, physical stress or some combination of both but it isn’t working and it is more than upsetting to me. My god, don’t take away my pleasure as well.
I did try a walk Sunday early evening as Bulleit needed the escape as well. I gave it literally all I had and barely knocked out 2 miles. It was pitiful. I was not at all happy with myself. Bulleit was a little upset as well I think. And we never even saw a snake. /

Day 44. August 01. 3 more.
Arrived just in time due to several loo delays. I pretty much feel like shit and could care less how many more of these I have. I just know I have many more days of feeling like shit! I’ve received many kind words of encouragement from many kind people. I thank them all from my heart but this is just unbearable. Never again will I subject my body to this horror they call a cure.

Day 45. August 02. 2 more.
Prior to nuking things went really well. No loo delays, felt pretty good actually. (for the first time in probably a month) Even my mental state was in good shape. During table time my innards woke up I guess. I couldn’t get done soon enough and it was a sprint to the restroom.
All in all, not a bad day really and I’ve no idea why.

Day 46. August 03. 1 more.
Well there’s only one more time on the table for this run. I know this because everyone there told me at least once. They’re kind beyond belief and such caring folks. Each and every one of them. The waking up early, the prep, the drive there and back, the pain incurred, the being assimilated, I will not miss. Not even a little. The people there will be in my thoughts the remainder of my life! I’ve already made the appointment for the post PSA test in 6 weeks to see what my prostate is up to… or not. There’s only one permanent change that’s supposed to stick around. Not totally thrilled about it but I have a wonderful son and don’t/won’t be planning on any more when I’m 64. Physically and to a greater extent mentally, I didn’t handle this part of my life as well as I should have. Most all of my thoughts during all of this have been much deeper and often darker. I have several friends both old and new that have thrown me a rope when I was down there pretty deep. If they don’t already know, I owe them my life as they have saved mine. More than once! Bless them all!

Day 47. August 04. 0 more. For now at least.
Because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I’m Done! Maybe forever, maybe just for now. No one knows. I’m doing it all backwards I guess as I find it difficult to look ahead. My thoughts at the time are all of the past and the present. Maybe later my mind will change direction. My thoughts at the moment are deeper than I could have ever imagined. The horrors of the process others and myself have experienced and the polar opposite, the people that have been there for me. It’s all quite overwhelming.
Both the good and bad I feel very fortunate to have experienced. It’s taught me to be mentally tougher but at the same time to let my emotions run freer than they ever have. I think I can say that I’m pleased with it all. I’ve been told congrats by more people this morning than I can count but I don’t feel much of a want to celebrate as it’s been such a teaching experience and I’ve so much more to learn.
I guess I’ll leave it at this until I can debrief my thoughts more clearly. There is nothing I admire in this world more than empathy and compassion. The people that I’ve known and the people that I have met through this journey have expressed the two so wonderfully it’s simply immeasurable.
To my friends… I’ve so much to be grateful for. If you’re reading this, please know I feel no different about you.

Day 48. August 05. T plus 24hrs.
Well it’s over and because I knew it was over, I stopped the anti gas chewable’s and the Aleve. Big mistake Marty. The side effects are still very much a thing. Everyone says next week will be different and I don’t doubt it. That said, I’m sure looking forward to my energy levels increasing and the brain fog to fade away.

PSA blood tests. Piece of cake and I hate needles. Maybe 10 of these.
Pee in a cup. I once thought being given a cup to fill with my name on it and told where the restroom is by a lady was humiliating. Boy was I ever wrong! Probably 20 of these. You lose count after awhile.
DRE’s aka ‘the lubed finger’. Now these get your attention. Degrading? Absolutely! But to make things worse my Doc is a guy. And to make things even more horrid, there were often others in the room for ‘safety’ or for ‘educational purposes’. Yeah, sometimes they had a go at me as well. Onlookers were of both sexes and position for the receiver seemed endless. Bent over, laying on your left side or the truly inhumane stirrups. Sometimes it was quick, sometimes they let their fingers do the walking… all the way home. How many I don’t remember, but it was too damn many.
Enemas. Fleet stocks must have doubled. Get use to them. You get to use them very often.

Those were nursery school days. The following is doctorate stuff.
Ultrasounds. A condom covered device about the diameter of your thumb and operated by the doc. Usually with a ‘safety’ person there watching or a ‘student’ learning the ropes. Once in, it goes to places inside you that you never knew existed… and it wasn’t ever over soon enough. Nothing gets overlooked with these. Infinitely dehumanizing. I should have been doped up. 2 or 3 of these IIRC.

A biopsy. The big plus here is that they give you an IV full of Propofol “Milk of Amnesia” and you don’t experience anything but an expensive trip to Wonderland. This involves a much larger probe that the ultrasound. I never felt it in me but before I went under I asked to see it. A shovel handle is about what I remember. This gadget has an ultrasound on the end with an opening at the end which allows a small pincher so to speak to come out and take a sample of the area. Sixteen times. One sample from each of the grids. It must hurt like hell because I sure bled enough from it. No fun I imagine but I wasn’t there either.

Fiducial Markers. This should technically be in the Cure section but I’m on a roll. This one was rough! On a physical discomfort scale mine was a solid seven. Mental anguish scale a perfect ten from this judge.
This involved me laying on my left side. No local anesthetic, no anesthesia, no nothing! Again, I asked to see what was going in prior, where and when was a given. Nothing in this procedure didn’t hurt. You lose ALL sense of dignity and humanity during this procedure as well!
Although the probe it isn’t much larger than the biopsy device, you’re awake for this one. It feels like a fencepost and it’s guided via ultrasound. Once in position, a large needle comes out and inserts a piece of titanium about the size of a grain of rice in the prostate. It is then moved around to the other side and you get another one injected. And then there’s one more in the middle for good measure I guess. These are used for steering the beam of radiation to the right area. On a side note, you also get three tattoos. One on each hip and another just north of your willy. These are also used for the steering of the photon beam later down the road.
To be honest? I only experienced the first one conscious. The other two I was on a self induced trip off the farm.

Since I had my first PSA test in 2014 my levels were high. A 4 is cause for concern, mine have never been below a 10 for 8 years. Often going over 15 but back down again. The Doc monitored them often and although they were high they were stable and nothing felt or looked out of place. Out of caution and or to ding my insurance company my Doc suggested an MRI in October of 21. The physical outcome was good but the mental trip of anguish I experienced going through the tunnel was beyond frightening. I’ve done a pretty good job in training myself to just shut down. Rather like passing out on command. I did just that for the MRI but I went for a trip to places I shouldn’t have gone and parts of me never made it back. To this day it’s the most frightening experience I’ve ever personally encountered and the event still haunts me… often!

April of 22 I had another scan done but a different type. This one I didn’t fare so well with physically but the mental trip like the last one wasn’t so bad. Having been mis-diagnosed 3 previous times in my life with various types of cancer, I didn’t rule out another false positive but in the back of my mind I knew my luck had run out. I was correct.

… so many caring and empathetic people, have a job that to me is just so inhumane I don’t have the words to describe it.

Maybe someday there will be a better way to make others healthy again without the anguish and indecency required with today’s knowledge. It’s ripping me apart and it’s all mental. It’s completely consuming!

Some tackle far greater issues with much more inner strength. Me? I wish I was one of them.

… time trying to decide on a title for this post. Blessed? Meeting a Kindred Soul? A Dog’s Matchmaking?

Or possibly all of the above. A few days ago I took Bulleit to a most wonderful trail close by. He needed fresh air and exercise, I needed all that and then some as a few thoughts were needing some serious pondering.

So there we were minding our own business on a bench, post trail walk and along comes a lady neither of us had ever met. Bulleit immediately went to her, and she went to Bulleit. (because you know dog people are a better breed of human). We started chatting and it wasn’t long before I realized how special this complete stranger was. We must have chatted for an hour plus talking about everything from guys in uniform to Mother Nature and quite a few things in between.

I absolutely ‘love’ these random highlights in my life. Here’s a person who one minute is a total stranger, to a person I now know much better, and she I. There’s a level of peace and comfort in our communication. It’s nice, it’s fun, it’s a thrill to meet a new friend.

Thank you once again Bulleit for being the dog that you are and introducing me to someone I’m more than happy to call a friend. Someone who just happened to come along at a time, well just in time.

I’m grateful, very grateful to you both.