Warning ahead. Marty decided this would be unedited and the thoughts, words, BS, are being fueled with possibly a more than appropriate amount of Bourbon and nicotine. In his defense though are the following. 1. A drunk mind, speaks sober thoughts. 2. No great adventure started with a glass of milk.

I have to bug out for a bit! I won’t be able to take Bulleit as he’d hate the experience and I’d be endangering him. I’m loading up the van with the most minimal of requirements and hooking up my favorite kayak. We’ll be off just as soon as possible to points unknown. Hopefully several points. I’ve crawled and walked into too many rabbit holes to count. I figured it was time to paddle into a few. I need to push myself harder than I ever have. I need questions answered, problems solved. Peace found!

I simply need to go out, to get in. To come back a better, simpler and wiser person. Here’s to being the teacher and student. Don’t muck it up bud. Pay attention.

If it were an Olympic Sport. I’d have several Gold Medals. But I don’t give a damn about gold and any ‘medal’ is meaningless to me. Not to mention how much I dislike competition unless I’m also the competitor.

Many are destination people, others are the journey type.

For the destination folks. Please don’t tell me what its like. I’ll be there soon enough. But I’ll arrive to tell you countless stories of what you missed prior to arrival. ‘The trip’ you see, the journey was never a repeat of the same as the destination so obviously is.

Neither are wrong, neither were right. We all arrived at the same destination it would appear.

Forget what I wrote below. It seems a few days ago I had written something nearly identical. The pics new though and I’ll leave the text up to show all and myself what a dip shit I am. = )

As an analogy…
A guy’s flying a plane and for no fault of his own, multiple failures occur. He’s flying the plane the best he can under the circumstances though. He finds the best place to put it down with minimal loss of the souls on board. He didn’t communicate that well because he was just trying to keep the damn thing in the air and land as smoothly as possible.
He made mistakes. Not all made it out of the crash but he did everything he thought was right. At a time of extreme stress that he knew was potentially catastrophic for all, for everything. His heart though, was in the right place. At all times!
Aviate, Navigate, Communicate.
Perfection is always desirable, not always attainable.

Why is life such a difficult thing to understand? And why is a true understanding of life, such a difficult concept for myself to grasp?

… to write but this mind of mine can’t store it long enough for me to type it.

This week has been a disaster. A few mental meltdowns that combined have been nearly crippling physically. I’m living in a world that is simply too complicated for me. Enough of reality.

I had a pretty relaxing time with Bulleit today at the end of the road looking at the river and Mom. We left probably an hour prior to sunset but we arrived at 1pm-ish so some quality time was spent with a pretty tremendous view. I think Bulleit may have needed it as much as I as he didn’t seem to mind sitting in the shade with a cool breeze blowing. I read some Hemingway and dined on a few Pop tarts. The good stuff don’t you know.

Well here starts the part where I seem to have forgotten much of what I wanted to write about. I wish this wouldn’t always happen. /

Marty, you really need to get your act together.

If you can’t love yourself, how could you love another? Speaking from experience here, that first sentence/question is total bullshit! I’m married. I have been for closer to a half century than any other measure of time. I love my wife far more than she will ever know. The vows spoken by me weren’t some verbally choreographed line I just nodded to and said yes to without deep thought and an even deeper meaning. They were far more than that. Far more than a promise in some religious ceremony.

I’ve crawled into hell and back more than once for her and the 2 sons she brought into this world and I’d do it again without question. But in some of those journeys, there were things, thoughts, events, obstacles for lack of other words that needed to be overcome. I did what I thought needed to be done at the time. Things that only I will ever know.

I did what I had to do. I did what I thought at the time, was the right thing to do. I flew the damn plane! Mistakes? Yes. I made a few and some soul’s were lost but it landed with each of those souls/’decisions’ lost weighing heavily on me! All were not lost though! Was I perfect in everything I did? Sadly not, but I tried so very hard to do what I knew deep inside, was for the good of the many, and what was right. I’m more than willing to take the blame a hundred more times before I give the stick to another though. I simply did the best that I knew to do, at the time I did it.

I never promised perfection to anyone but I should have expected more from myself looking back. I’d never ask for sympathy and I’m not begging for understanding. I’m simply laying down the thoughts for my previous actions.

Maybe next time, I’ll just stay on the ground. Maybe next time I may love myself and be satisfied with my inaction from the new vantage point… but I doubt it.

The takeaway from it all. I’m no God damn Angel. And flying? It sucks to the Nth degree. More so when you’re the pilot. No more flying for me!

Back to back. I’m pounding them out as fast as I can. I just hope I don’t forget them, before I get to them. I just have to simplify my self interrogation sessions!

Since I was old enough to think in some philosophical manner, I’ve thought why am I here. Not to be confused with the meaning of life. That question was resolved long ago. It’s 42 btw. Seriously, look it up. And thanks for the fish too. Much appreciated.

Evolve from the ‘why am I’ question, to another much much deeper ‘should I be’? Am I living in a time that’s in tune to me or that I’m in tune to? Is it too simple? Or to my horror, to complex a time to be a part of?

I’ve had too many meltdowns, I’ve written many times about them. Here I am trying so hard to pull myself out of one, on the side of the road. I figured maybe I could write myself out of this one.

It’s not working well at all though as it’s too dark inside to write. This thing called existing is becoming more difficult by the day. Please fix yourself soon Marty, or soon there will be nothing left of you to fix.

As I stare out at Mother Nature, I can almost see her staring back and asking what’s wrong. No matter really as I don’t have much to say other than a simple question.

Are these thoughts exclusive to mankind?

She’s not raining and I’m not crying. We are however a little clouded at the moment.

Yeah, we’ve another update. A mysterious one it is too. (much has been edited btw) Hemingway recommended you have a drink as you write. He never said don’t over do it.

I hope to describe the details, with minimal detail. A bit of a mental test. I’ll see if I remember the reasons at a later date. And keep it as short as possible.

Now what was I thinking?

Thoughts, times, events, pain, and sorrow. Joy and aggravation. Each of those and a few more are all in extremes. A normal, simply doesn’t seem to exist.

1. Extreme happiness, the one you don’t have to look for deep within as it rises to the surface so quickly, It’s a rare element/synapse really. In the blink of an eye, poof! I need to find more of this ‘stuff’ Dad.

2. Sorrow! It hits hard. It has a seemingly endless pain. The tears of sorrow and the tears of happiness all taste the same.

3. Working, being productive and having a feeling of accomplishment. I need to have a purpose in this new life of mine.