Has just been a blur. Hard to think of what I’ve been doing since 7am, hard to think I have the rest of the day to push myself through.

And why? Many questions of myself, to myself. No answers yet but the search is ongoing. A trek it is. I hope the destination is worth the journey.

Pretty sad when I think about it. Questions I should have had definitive answers for 5 decades in the past.

You know the rest.

I should have chased the dreams of the moment or day. I could have been such a better human in and on this world of ours. I would have been so much happier today. I understand looking back is the wrong direction but my rear view is the size of a movie screen sitting in the front row. I’m seeing life in pixels. Together, they create a picture I’m not at all satisfied with.

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

Albert Camus

I’ve posted that before somewhere, just felt I needed to post it again. Many stressors lately living in a time that I shouldn’t be in. Born too late to be free as they say. I often wonder if I’d have been happier living to the ripe age of 40ish a hundred years ago, a free man in the wilderness vs a 63 year old living today perfectly healthy. There isn’t such a thing as true freedom anymore. You can’t escape, a person has nowhere to go to be free.

is but he put all my thoughts into words better than I could have myself.

In 4 months, the U.S. transformed into an obedient socialist country. Government dictated what events are acceptable to attend. Violent protests that instill fear are OK but church services, family funerals and patriotic celebrations are dangerous. And you bought it without a fight.

Standing in graduation line is a “safety hazard”. Small businesses were forced to close but crowds to support the corporate money machine at WalMart, Lowes and Home Depot…

OK.Come on. It’s “just a mask” & “safety precautions”.How about a little hush money. Here’s $2,400 that we stole out of your pay check in the first place. Enjoy. Buy something with it. From a big corporation.Cash is dirty. We can’t give change.

There’s a coin shortage. Use your card In 4 months, they convinced you to use a traceable card for everything.
In less than 4 months, government closed public schools then “restructured” education under the guise of “public safety”. In less than 4 months, our government demonstrated how easily people assimilate to “guidelines” that have NO scientific premise whatsoever when you are fearful.In less than 4 months, our government successfully instilled fear in a majority of the population in America that allows them to control every aspect of your life. Including what you eat, where you go, who you see and your toilet paper.
And the most dangerous and terrifying part? People are not afraid of the government who removed their freedom. They’re afraid of their neighbors, family and friends. And they hate those who won’t comply.

It’s absolutely terrifying to me that so many people don’t question “authority”. They are willing to surrender their critical thinking skills and independence. They just. gave up without thinking. Without a fight.Do you know what’s coming next? “It’s just a vaccine. Come on. It’s for the greater good”.Wait until you’re told that you can’t enter any store or business without proof of the Covid-19 vaccine. Wait until you can’t go to public events or get on a plane without proof of receiving the vaccine.

To everyone that doesn’t believe this is possible – DO YOU UNDERSTAND that government successfully dictated to people WHEN they were allowed to be outside, where they were allowed to go, and how their children would be educated in less than 4 months? And that a majority of the population followed blindly because they were told to do so.
You’re kidding yourself if you think this behavior won’t be repeated with a vaccine. Or whatever the next step is.“You Say””I don’t follow politics.””Who cares about that stuff?””I don’t like to think about it.”

They got you. Without a thought. Without a fight. Just like France. Just like Russia. Just like China. Welcome, comrade.”Richard Higgins Thursday July 22, 2020

The song is fantastic but the 20 second intro has made me think about what thrills me.

Fear! It’s like a good burger I guess. Hundreds of versions delivered by a million different sources.

When I rode bikes it was what’s past the next turn, I wonder how far I can lean this thing before I start scraping pegs or parts, how fast will this thing go? 162 mph was my max btw. Fear? Didn’t have time to think of it. Things happen really fast at speed, when you can only focus on what is directly in front of you… you know you’re hauling the mail. lol

Now the bikes are gone, kayaking is the next ex hobby I guess. As far as thrills and being a creator of fear, it rises far above anything I’ve ever gotten myself into. I rode bikes for hours to hit a good turn and get a 2 second rush. I’ve kayaked for 3 or 4 hours and returned with 20 minutes worth of oh wows. And it all happens going all of 5 to 8 knots. Pretty cool huh.

“Fear’s a man’s best friend.” Absolutely it is. It brings out who you really are. Sometimes you run from it, sometimes you attack it. But the best is when you face it and draw the line knowing it will not beat you.

I still have a few of those lines to draw myself.

Go out, have a life! If you don’t have a life, get one soon.

‘I don’t want to know what time it is. I don’t want to know what day it is or where I am. None of that matters.’

A very wise young man who left us all far too early.

The last few nights I’ve been thinking I’d really like to get this Covid thing going around. Physically I consider myself to be quite healthy and there are basically three outcomes at the ripe age of 63. 1. My expiration date would be found soon. 2. I’d get sick, I’d get over it like the countless other millions out there. 3. I’d get it and not be aware that I had ever had it. Any of those three would suit me just fine and any of those three would assure me of one thing. I wouldn’t have to wonder about anything anymore.

There was an old saying. ‘Kill em all, let God sort them out!’ I’m finding the statement rather hard to argue with at the moment. But with a twist. Infect us all and God, you’re going to be a busy dude for awhile.

I’m not at all afraid of dying, I’m very frightened of the thought of not living though and lately, living has felt much more like survival.

One way or the other, I need to get an answer. Either is acceptable and you’ll not hear me complain. Just an answer, just an outcome please.

The constant anxiety, the endless depression, the attacks and nightmares. The de-linking for lack of a better term of my mind from everything I know and love.

I’m not me anymore, I’m doubtful I ever knew who me really was, or is for that matter.