and she resides on my front porch. It’s always a thrill to meet her.

man I use to be. Quite possibly, never the man I should have been or was supposed to be. Jury’s still out on that one I guess and only time will tell.

Until this morning I thought I was taking one for the team. It sucked but I had become almost happy about it. This afternoon I found someone took my place. The guilt is nearly overwhelming.

So many out there with so much more to look forward to. And here I am, stealing your precious life.

I’m so very sorry to whoever you might be. I’ll never stop thinking of how to make it right for you.

So yesterday I had to have something performed on me that at a minimum, takes me to the bottom of the deep end. An MRI (not big deal for normal people). Other than the fact it’s a very tight space and I’m very claustrophobic it’s something much more. For me, I have no other way to describe it other than it being inhumane. I give my dog Bulleit more empathy and understanding when he goes to the vet for a checkup. I understand the MRI’s function and I realize it greatly increases the chances of a longer life for many. Hat’s off to the many. I’m truly glad it helped.

At the risk of coming off as a loon, when those trips to the deep and beyond occur, I’ve trained myself to be able to shut down. Think of it as passing out on command.
So yesterday after the prep, leaving humanity at the doorstep, locking up my clothes and valuables, getting into something far more comfortable, yet far more revealing. I get paraded past a few other total strangers in various stages of un-dress and into the MRI room. At this point I was frightened and ready to climb walls or leap off a tall building. Levels of comfort, humanity and all things good known to me were dropping fast. Then seeing the stand of solution that was soon to be in me… the time was near. My body was situated where they wanted it, IV inserted, freak out switch in hand… the walls started moving in on me I did just that. The fear became too great for me to stick around.

This time though my trip to the other side was a little different and to be honest, more than a little haunting. At some point during my escape I spoke with a few people that are no longer with us. Lips didn’t move, voices weren’t heard but we had very clear and concise conversations. One was quite calming and not knowing where or when it exactly happened, looking back, I think it came at a good time.

I believe I went a bit too far in this past trip to nowhere. I experienced more than I should have I think. Sitting writing this all down almost 24 hours to the minute from the exam and new thoughts are still emerging from the experience. Wondering what else is going to come of the self debrief? I have a feeling I’m not done yet though.
I’m not wanting to sound like I accomplished something no other has. I’m not. Getting an MRI is a simple task for most I imagine. I wished I was one of you.

More to come if it/as it occurs.

I can’t sleep because of what I’ve created, seen, or experienced. Sometimes those thoughts follow me into the unconscious and wake me in tears.

Other times (but far less frequent), I can’t sleep because of the good or wonderful. Again, seen or experienced. Sadly these never transition to the unconscious but that doesn’t matter. They happened and I’ll never forget the moments.

and I’ve the feeling it’ll be one that continues into the unconscious. Can’t wait really. As always, a solo journey, destination unknown.

A solemn voice is always a nice companion.

I’ve never been very good with tests. My anxiety always got the best of me. Until these past few years, never was very good at this life thing either.

Had a physical a few weeks ago. Seems I either over studied or didn’t study hard enough. Completely bombed a very important part of it. Tomorrow I get to see a specialist… and take a few more tests. Concerned? Yeah, just a lot.

Funny thing about possibly being very sick. The ones that feel the most pain are those that aren’t on the gurney. Been on the gurney before a few times, I write from experiences just trust me on this one ok. I was in waaay better shape than those looking over me. I knew the facts, I dealt with the pain. Others were left to nothing but a fearful imagination. It’s an odd thing to describe I guess unless you’ve been there.

So that life thing. A work in progress it appears.

The Little Prince

“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”

If you get it, I would very much like to meet you.

So I’m on my front porch. Bulleit, my best friend and dog are just gazing into the nothingness of the night when in the distance, an ambulance with sirens blaring is heard in the distance.

The sirens make his cousins the coyote do funny things. They all start to yip and howl like no tomorrow. I look at Bulleit, he looks at me and (I think) we both wonder what it would be like to be with them for the night. Maybe longer. It appeared he just wanted to stay outside for awhile longer and I was more than happy to do the same. So we did just that. He stared out with deep curiosity, on occasion looking back to me, I just stood and thought.

Say what you want but it made him wonder. Seeing what I saw in his eyes as we came inside made me think. A lot. I guess enough to write this… if you’re still here anyway.

Most humans do not realize it consciously, but expressions and eyes say far more than words. Tears may produce little water, but they are a flood of expression.
Ray Melnik

“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”