Since I had my first PSA test in 2014 my levels were high. A 4 is cause for concern, mine have never been below a 10 for 8 years. Often going over 15 but back down again. The Doc monitored them often and although they were high they were stable and nothing felt or looked out of place. Out of caution and or to ding my insurance company my Doc suggested an MRI in October of 21. The physical outcome was good but the mental trip of anguish I experienced going through the tunnel was beyond frightening. I’ve done a pretty good job in training myself to just shut down. Rather like passing out on command. I did just that for the MRI but I went for a trip to places I shouldn’t have gone and parts of me never made it back. To this day it’s the most frightening experience I’ve ever personally encountered and the event still haunts me… often!

April of 22 I had another scan done but a different type. This one I didn’t fare so well with physically but the mental trip like the last one wasn’t so bad. Having been mis-diagnosed 3 previous times in my life with various types of cancer, I didn’t rule out another false positive but in the back of my mind I knew my luck had run out. I was correct.

… so many caring and empathetic people, have a job that to me is just so inhumane I don’t have the words to describe it.

Maybe someday there will be a better way to make others healthy again without the anguish and indecency required with today’s knowledge. It’s ripping me apart and it’s all mental. It’s completely consuming!

Some tackle far greater issues with much more inner strength. Me? I wish I was one of them.

… time trying to decide on a title for this post. Blessed? Meeting a Kindred Soul? A Dog’s Matchmaking?

Or possibly all of the above. A few days ago I took Bulleit to a most wonderful trail close by. He needed fresh air and exercise, I needed all that and then some as a few thoughts were needing some serious pondering.

So there we were minding our own business on a bench, post trail walk and along comes a lady neither of us had ever met. Bulleit immediately went to her, and she went to Bulleit. (because you know dog people are a better breed of human). We started chatting and it wasn’t long before I realized how special this complete stranger was. We must have chatted for an hour plus talking about everything from guys in uniform to Mother Nature and quite a few things in between.

I absolutely ‘love’ these random highlights in my life. Here’s a person who one minute is a total stranger, to a person I now know much better, and she I. There’s a level of peace and comfort in our communication. It’s nice, it’s fun, it’s a thrill to meet a new friend.

Thank you once again Bulleit for being the dog that you are and introducing me to someone I’m more than happy to call a friend. Someone who just happened to come along at a time, well just in time.

I’m grateful, very grateful to you both.

as I can remember I’ve lived for the day. I never was big on plans, short or long term. Then when I was 23ish I was told I wouldn’t make it to 25. That just cemented my lifestyle. Bucket list? Never had one! If I thought of one, I experienced it. I rinsed and repeated if it was fun, tried hard to not replay the bad ones. Seize The Moment right!?

So here I am decades older but this time I’ve run out of luck. The living for the day attitude seems to have become a double edged sword. How do you maintain a strong will to live when you’ve already lived all there is to live for? It’s rather like wearing out one toy, then buying an identical one. No joy in that. Not for me anyway.

So? What’s next for me I ask myself. Often.

Data overload. I’m close to tits up.

that I could take everyone’s pain and suffering, load it on to my kayak or in my van and just be gone. Never to be seen or heard from again.

look at things much differently than I. A good friend of mine who is quite religious lost a friend of many years who had the same beliefs this past Tuesday. I would never make fun of another’s beliefs, I’m saying this from an outsider looking in. But if heaven and the forever after is what they say it is, shouldn’t one be happy for them and just be happy to have known them?

It’s all just a little difficult for me to understand. To my friend, my sincere sympathies. To his friend, may you rest in peace.

It wasn’t until today that I had known anyone personally dying from Covid. I didn’t know her well as she had been life time friends of my wife’s family, but we had met many times. She was always polite, always kind and she spoke her mind. Something I admire in a person.
In the death of anyone or anything, For Any Reason, I hope that their last sight was a pleasant one, their last sound heard was comforting, their last thought was of a better place.
Like I’ve said before many times, those that are still here have it the hardest. The one on the gurney has hopefully made their peace. I speak of personal experience.
Her family, her friends are lost and saddened beyond words though and it’s an extremely difficult thing to be a part of.
I wish for myself when the time comes, I was either disliked or not known well enough to cause this much grief for anyone.
Makes me wish to be a hermit on a hillside somewhere.
Rest in peace. You are missed.

a place in this Universe, where good isn’t rewarded or bragged on, but not given any thoughts because it’s the norm? Where pain and sorrow don’t exist. Where all aren’t respected for any particular reason other than they are living beings. All to be not only respected, but admired for their individual beauty be it mental, physical or both?

If you live the one that you have properly. You will write those thousands of books yourself thru experiences lived, not imagined.