Helene is her name. I had to look it up to make sure I was correct.

I imagine it’s not so different from being that town during a war that was targeted by someone else.

Your thoughts or worries had no effect as to what was going to happen.

You simply sat in fear hoping the bomb wasn’t going to fall on your family.

We’re all just compost for the next plant aren’t we.

And interesting things they are too. I’ve been dealing with an event from probably 20 or 30 years ago these past 6 or 8 weeks. It was a pretty traumatic event then and I had blocked it out entirely until a recent medical test that didn’t go so well brought the damn thing back.

Mentally it’s like being a person inside a person. It begins with a memory, then it transitions into a more detailed picture followed immediately by much doubt and more self debriefs. Was it my imagination or was it reality.

I guess what gets me the most about them (yes, for me the memories come back in truncated clusters) is that a part of me has been hiding from me something that had actually happened to me.

Yeah, it’s been a sometimes very frightening and bizarre trip.

For the weekend. Marty you’re a mess…

… I just winged it. I never wished for the incredible. I never expected disaster.

I did think I’d have figured out the complexities of humanity just a bit better by now though.

… be here. I can’t find beauty anymore. Only memories.

You take a pill to make you small or so I’ve read.

Mine doesn’t make me small and it doesn’t make me happy but it prevents me from being sad. Many might think that’s a start in the right direction I guess but I’m having my doubts personally.

Happiness and sadness are human (or more properly described) animal emotions. Being happy, being truly happy I miss very much. It’s been awhile but I remember the times. Always being sad isn’t much fun though either. Sometimes it’s simply not smiling pondering life, sometimes it’s mentally crushing to a level that’s beyond words. But… be good or bad, sadness is an emotion.

Do you continue as an often sad, emotional being or live life an non emotional drone simply existing?

Maybe a question for the hookah smoking Caterpillar?

… the child. What would you like to be when you grow up? The child responds ‘a doctor’. What would you like to make being a doctor the adult asks?

To make people feel better the child responds.

It’s all perspective isn’t it!

These aren’t meant to be dark or depressing. Just a new reality I’m finding myself living. I’m dealing with them… and then some.

I’m not bragging but a year ago I’d have thought nothing of knocking off 30 or 40 miles on my bicycle. Kayaking? 20 miles was a good day, not a problem at all. Walking? Well I never cared too much for it as there wasn’t much in it for me but I’d go as far as was needed. I was fairly fit. Sit ups I could do easily as with a push up or 20.

3 days ago my neck was giving me serious fits so on the floor I went tucking my feet under the bed. I knocked off 0. Yeah, that’s a Zero. It kinda blew my mind. For a second I thought something had gone horribly wrong but nope! It was like my upper body was trying to lift a damn truck. Several days later, here I am pounding out my thoughts about the moment.

I remember years ago listening to my father. We were in his ‘lab’ downstairs in his home he was so proud of and happy in. He didn’t realize it but I was listening intensely to him. When he flew the last time, when he climbed his last antenna, when he last accomplished something that was at a time in his life, a no brainer.

I find myself now in the position he was living in. I’ve ridden my last motorcycle, I’ve raced my last race and had I known my future?? I probably wouldn’t be here now writing this as I’d have written a check my mind and body couldn’t cash.

Thrills now are more of the mental sort. Nearly as deep as the physical immersion but not a lot of adrenaline involved. Unless something comes out of the blue, I’ve not been on my last mountain bike ride or my last paddle into the unknown, but the duration, the depth of the rabbit hole is much more shallow.

The deep water is no more but my draft isn’t much either. The shallows it is but I will be doing sit ups and push ups again.

What an insanely simple thing to promise myself.

… prescription. Now normally I’d say that I hate them but this one replaces two others so I’m going in the right direction and after two days I haven’t felt any side effects which for me is rare. Really rare! I usually feel them the same day. Yipee

I’m not sleepy, I can still think and so far people don’t think I look like I’m mentally wiped. I don’t want to get my hopes up yet but although it isn’t all great, so far it isn’t bad. And that’s good!

… the two that created me again here on earth. I’m hopeful that we’ll meet again somewhere, someday again though. The emptiness in me is beyond description.

My Father passed in 2019 at 93. Three days before his 94th. My mother passed at 95 this past week. I don’t care to live that long nor do I care to wither away like they both did. They did it their way though. They left in dignity surrounded by those that loved them so very dearly though.

I’d much rather enter the unknown with a poof! Neither my wife or son will ever have to see or do what I did. Not if I have any say in it.

To both of you Mom and Dad, no one loves you as much as I do. Wherever you may be, I will always be there by your side. You’re both missed so dearly.

I thank you both for my life. All I’ve seen and experienced was because of both of you. But you probably know that in the land of peace and knowledge.

Peace!