But I don’t have one!
Now thoughts? Yes, I have a few. Would I like to be your prince again, your knight in shining armor? More than anything I would!
I don’t think my armor shines much anymore though and a prince I never was nor the king that may have followed.
I’m just me. A guy that’s had an admiration of you that I don’t believe you ever noticed or saw. Was I perfect? Absolutely not, far from it.
One of the worst experiences in my life happened in a rest area and here I am having a nervous breakdown in another one.
I wonder how long I’ll be here?
It’s called a Sig Flex which is basically half a colonoscopy. I had chosen no anesthesia or sedative as my mind goes to places it shouldn’t when I’m under. The cure being worse than the ill sort of thing.
So I get into my garb and I’m wheeled into the room. Everyone, especially Lina in pre-op was beyond awesome. Once in the room the Doc asks me if I understood what was about to be done. I answered yes. I was going to have many issues up there cauterized and get a few others banded. Before I could get that out of my mouth he says with a raised voice NO, that’s not at all what he’s about to do and asks me where I heard that from. I replied I had spoken to his office a week prior. Then he asked who I had spoken to and I said I have no idea. So I figured that was the end of that. Then he asked why did you think the cauterization wasn’t going to be done to which my reply was that the device used would interfere with my pacemaker. Then he asked about the banding and I said I was told it was the safest method to which he relied do you realize how much worse that would make things? I replied I was only repeating what I had been told prior.
So they get things ready and check my o2, it’s 99% percent but I’ll be getting 2% o2 via nose tubes anyway. I didn’t care. Well about 20 minutes into him doing what he did I started to cough. Mild coughs but I admit, where he was and doing what he was it was making things difficult. He tells me that I should know every time I cough it pushes his welding probe out of my arse. I agreed that was occurring since it was my backside feeling it get spit out and then re-inserted but that the coughing was behind my control. It was then my head nurse said that the o2 was drying my throat out and to remove it. He did and low and behold my coughing stopped almost immediately and never reoccurred.. will finish later.
May very well be the beginning of something positive. A way out of this cage I’ve constructed for myself.
I just don’t want to get my hopes up too much. It’ll be crushing if it fails.
Edit 2-22-25: crushing it wasn’t but a failure it was.
Outside alone staring at the sun sinking
Remembering when I looked for experiences
Wondering what became of me and my world
Outside wondering when I got old, wishing it over
It’s all gone
No happiness left
Nothing feels right
Hopes and dreams faded long ago
I’ve lost myself in nightmares
They’re all I have left
Cold frightening thoughts
Alone with nothing, but frightening thoughts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now let’s see how I can simplify it, possibly bettering it.
Watching in solitude a sunset
Thinking of my past
Recalling moments captured
Wondering when they collapsed
What became of me
And why
When did I get old
Wishing it was over
It’s all gone
No happiness
No feelings
Hopes and dreams faded
Lost in nightmares
My always silent companion
Bearing frightening thoughts
Alone with nothing
But crowded with frightening thoughts
At one time in my life I looked forward to them. The day or night versions suited me just fine but the bad ones we humans call nightmares were much better having experienced asleep as when I woke I realized that it was just my dark imagination run amuck.
I never thought about them much more than what I just wrote. I just enjoyed the good ones and was amazed at times at how the mind worked with the bad ones.
These past weeks have changed it all. My pleasant dreams are rare and my nightmares are from past experiences hidden until now.
Frame by frame my mind is being torn apart… by itself.
do it if you really wanted to! If I hear that one more time I’m going to get sick.
Maybe I will do it and somewhere in the process I’ll bonk and die doing what others thought I could still do if ‘I wanted to’. I could be fish food and training for the Coasties while I proved to them that they were wrong.
This is what I want to do. This is what I did not all that long ago. This is what I can’t do… even if I wanted.
At 67, what has kept me alive all these years was knowing my limitations.
Peace.
Or is the title and body in reverse order?
that inspired me to do some pretty crazy stuff especially at my age. To be cont…
I’ve never been able to describe it. But this is the most accurate I’ve found so far.
Please read.
Some people are so dead-set against feeling anything they don’t want to face that they isolate themselves away from any potential “triggers.” If they don’t spend time with friends or family members, then those people can’t say or do anything that might crack their tightly-sealed doors open.
If they have to communicate with others, it’s via brief emails or texts. Or they might go “no-contact” entirely and become complete social recluses.
Their rationale is that they can keep avoiding all these uncomfortable emotions if they simply pretend they don’t exist. Sort of like when little kids don’t quite get the concept of hide and seek, and think that if they close their eyes tight enough, not only can they not see you – you can’t see them either.
The only way they can keep that pretense going is by not giving anyone the opportunity to tell them otherwise.
The problem here is that this kind of self-isolation exacerbates all kinds of emotional instabilities. When people get reclusive, they can lose their ability to interact or empathize with others. Furthermore, they might develop more serious conditions like agoraphobia. What started out as a desire to be left alone might evolve into the inability to leave their apartment or house.
Eventually, they become trapped by the very walls they erected to protect themselves.