These aren’t meant to be dark or depressing. Just a new reality I’m finding myself living. I’m dealing with them… and then some.

I’m not bragging but a year ago I’d have thought nothing of knocking off 30 or 40 miles on my bicycle. Kayaking? 20 miles was a good day, not a problem at all. Walking? Well I never cared too much for it as there wasn’t much in it for me but I’d go as far as was needed. I was fairly fit. Sit ups I could do easily as with a push up or 20.

3 days ago my neck was giving me serious fits so on the floor I went tucking my feet under the bed. I knocked off 0. Yeah, that’s a Zero. It kinda blew my mind. For a second I thought something had gone horribly wrong but nope! It was like my upper body was trying to lift a damn truck. Several days later, here I am pounding out my thoughts about the moment.

I remember years ago listening to my father. We were in his ‘lab’ downstairs in his home he was so proud of and happy in. He didn’t realize it but I was listening intensely to him. When he flew the last time, when he climbed his last antenna, when he last accomplished something that was at a time in his life, a no brainer.

I find myself now in the position he was living in. I’ve ridden my last motorcycle, I’ve raced my last race and had I known my future?? I probably wouldn’t be here now writing this as I’d have written a check my mind and body couldn’t cash.

Thrills now are more of the mental sort. Nearly as deep as the physical immersion but not a lot of adrenaline involved. Unless something comes out of the blue, I’ve not been on my last mountain bike ride or my last paddle into the unknown, but the duration, the depth of the rabbit hole is much more shallow.

The deep water is no more but my draft isn’t much either. The shallows it is but I will be doing sit ups and push ups again.

What an insanely simple thing to promise myself.

… prescription. Now normally I’d say that I hate them but this one replaces two others so I’m going in the right direction and after two days I haven’t felt any side effects which for me is rare. Really rare! I usually feel them the same day. Yipee

I’m not sleepy, I can still think and so far people don’t think I look like I’m mentally wiped. I don’t want to get my hopes up yet but although it isn’t all great, so far it isn’t bad. And that’s good!

… the two that created me again here on earth. I’m hopeful that we’ll meet again somewhere, someday again though. The emptiness in me is beyond description.

My Father passed in 2019 at 93. Three days before his 94th. My mother passed at 95 this past week. I don’t care to live that long nor do I care to wither away like they both did. They did it their way though. They left in dignity surrounded by those that loved them so very dearly though.

I’d much rather enter the unknown with a poof! Neither my wife or son will ever have to see or do what I did. Not if I have any say in it.

To both of you Mom and Dad, no one loves you as much as I do. Wherever you may be, I will always be there by your side. You’re both missed so dearly.

I thank you both for my life. All I’ve seen and experienced was because of both of you. But you probably know that in the land of peace and knowledge.

Peace!

Alice Johnson passed away this morning at 8:25am. She had her two daughters at her side as her one son couldn’t make it due to his illness and her other son was resting from pulling an all nighter by her side. No regrets.

She was at peace and in no pain. She was surrounded by a very loving family in her home. She will be greatly missed but she needed to make the transition.

She raised four children in her life here on earth and did a damned good job of it I might add. Three really smart ones and a goof but we all stayed out of trouble because of her wisdom.

I miss many things but dancing in our minds to Audrey Hepburn singing moon river a few days ago will always be a highlight of my life.

I Love You Mom. Soon you will be with your husband you have missed so dearly these past three years.

Peace and happiness for eternity. You were a loving Mother and a beautiful person. You always will be!

… doing their ant thing across my sister’s front porch. Neither of us mean any harm to another. We’re just all doing our thing. Them surviving and working their little ant butts off and I pondering what the life an ant may have.

Simple thinking but intensely complex thoughts.

put into words how badly I simply don’t want to be anything right now. I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be here. I feel as if I’m losing all connectivity to everything. At times I have thoughts that I know what I’m missing but they never quite appear. The feeling of separation, the disconnect is overwhelming me. I’m broken somewhere, it’s about the only thing I’m sure of.

I’m just incredibly lost in my own body

many guys in my life. Angry, sad, happy, mean, stupid, etc. No different than many I guess. I don’t know as I’ve always just been myself to me. Some have seen only the worst in me, some have seen the best I could be. Some have seen all my versions.

I’ve never been a social person but when I meet someone that I feel ‘gets it’. I latch onto them like a barnacle. That has spooked a lot of people as they just get weirded out sometimes. I get it and if you happen to be one of them, I sincerely apologize. I’m not a creep, I just saw something in you at a much deeper level.

I’m at a point in my life where things are different now though. A big deal to another means nothing to me but on the other hand, a major event to me leaves others wondering what was so special about that? I get that as well and completely understand.

I’m being force fed a large amount of humanity and compassion right now and it appears my new diet is making me a different person.

I want so much to be understanding towards others without so much any care of being understood. I want so much just to see and feel contentment in another and the ‘another’ doesn’t necessarily have to be human.

This is my latest friend. She’s been through hell and back on several occasions, this I know. She was never spooked by my abundance of care but I know she appreciated it as she presented me this evening with all she had to give.

Yeah, that’s all probably just a little weird to read. I get that too.

Impossible Things

Remember how it used to be
When the sun would fill the sky
Remember how we used to feel
Those days would never end
Those days would never end

Remember how it used to be
When the stars would fill the sky
Remember how we used to dream
Those nights would never end
Those nights would never end

It was the sweetness of your skin
It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish impossible things
To wish impossible things
To wish impossible things

But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is gray
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away

And all I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away

In life, as in living. I’m seeing too much strife, pain, and death. All too much for me to see or experience, too much for me to process and comprehend.

Peace, comfort, solace. It shouldn’t be something man nor beast should have to struggle to see or experience.

I don’t know of anyone in my family that isn’t having rather serious issues. Mom is doing better but better isn’t much to speak about. Both sisters and my brother have everything from requiring oxygen to a pacemaker to some therapy to get their bones to heal properly.

My marriage of 40 years is on the rocks. My best friend has another inner ear infection and is stumbling around but he’s getting better I think. Please Bulleit, get better. I need you right now. I hope you see that when I look at you.

Skin cancer was diagnosed last week and radiation was discussed and quickly rejected. This isn’t life, this isn’t living. It quite simply isn’t even an existence. It’s just a living horror that I would wish upon no one.

Someday I’m going to find a rabbit hole so mysterious, so deep and wide I won’t want to leave. Someday