I can’t sleep because of what I’ve created, seen, or experienced. Sometimes those thoughts follow me into the unconscious and wake me in tears.
Other times (but far less frequent), I can’t sleep because of the good or wonderful. Again, seen or experienced. Sadly these never transition to the unconscious but that doesn’t matter. They happened and I’ll never forget the moments.
and I’ve the feeling it’ll be one that continues into the unconscious. Can’t wait really. As always, a solo journey, destination unknown.
A solemn voice is always a nice companion.
I’ve never been very good with tests. My anxiety always got the best of me. Until these past few years, never was very good at this life thing either.
Had a physical a few weeks ago. Seems I either over studied or didn’t study hard enough. Completely bombed a very important part of it. Tomorrow I get to see a specialist… and take a few more tests. Concerned? Yeah, just a lot.
Funny thing about possibly being very sick. The ones that feel the most pain are those that aren’t on the gurney. Been on the gurney before a few times, I write from experiences just trust me on this one ok. I was in waaay better shape than those looking over me. I knew the facts, I dealt with the pain. Others were left to nothing but a fearful imagination. It’s an odd thing to describe I guess unless you’ve been there.
So that life thing. A work in progress it appears.
The Little Prince
“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”
If you get it, I would very much like to meet you.
So I’m on my front porch. Bulleit, my best friend and dog are just gazing into the nothingness of the night when in the distance, an ambulance with sirens blaring is heard in the distance.
The sirens make his cousins the coyote do funny things. They all start to yip and howl like no tomorrow. I look at Bulleit, he looks at me and (I think) we both wonder what it would be like to be with them for the night. Maybe longer. It appeared he just wanted to stay outside for awhile longer and I was more than happy to do the same. So we did just that. He stared out with deep curiosity, on occasion looking back to me, I just stood and thought.
Say what you want but it made him wonder. Seeing what I saw in his eyes as we came inside made me think. A lot. I guess enough to write this… if you’re still here anyway.
Most humans do not realize it consciously, but expressions and eyes say far more than words. Tears may produce little water, but they are a flood of expression.
Ray Melnik
“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
Has just been a blur. Hard to think of what I’ve been doing since 7am, hard to think I have the rest of the day to push myself through.
And why? Many questions of myself, to myself. No answers yet but the search is ongoing. A trek it is. I hope the destination is worth the journey.
Pretty sad when I think about it. Questions I should have had definitive answers for 5 decades in the past.
You know the rest.
I should have chased the dreams of the moment or day. I could have been such a better human in and on this world of ours. I would have been so much happier today. I understand looking back is the wrong direction but my rear view is the size of a movie screen sitting in the front row. I’m seeing life in pixels. Together, they create a picture I’m not at all satisfied with.
