as I can remember I’ve lived for the day. I never was big on plans, short or long term. Then when I was 23ish I was told I wouldn’t make it to 25. That just cemented my lifestyle. Bucket list? Never had one! If I thought of one, I experienced it. I rinsed and repeated if it was fun, tried hard to not replay the bad ones. Seize The Moment right!?

So here I am decades older but this time I’ve run out of luck. The living for the day attitude seems to have become a double edged sword. How do you maintain a strong will to live when you’ve already lived all there is to live for? It’s rather like wearing out one toy, then buying an identical one. No joy in that. Not for me anyway.

So? What’s next for me I ask myself. Often.

Data overload. I’m close to tits up.

that I could take everyone’s pain and suffering, load it on to my kayak or in my van and just be gone. Never to be seen or heard from again.

look at things much differently than I. A good friend of mine who is quite religious lost a friend of many years who had the same beliefs this past Tuesday. I would never make fun of another’s beliefs, I’m saying this from an outsider looking in. But if heaven and the forever after is what they say it is, shouldn’t one be happy for them and just be happy to have known them?

It’s all just a little difficult for me to understand. To my friend, my sincere sympathies. To his friend, may you rest in peace.

It wasn’t until today that I had known anyone personally dying from Covid. I didn’t know her well as she had been life time friends of my wife’s family, but we had met many times. She was always polite, always kind and she spoke her mind. Something I admire in a person.
In the death of anyone or anything, For Any Reason, I hope that their last sight was a pleasant one, their last sound heard was comforting, their last thought was of a better place.
Like I’ve said before many times, those that are still here have it the hardest. The one on the gurney has hopefully made their peace. I speak of personal experience.
Her family, her friends are lost and saddened beyond words though and it’s an extremely difficult thing to be a part of.
I wish for myself when the time comes, I was either disliked or not known well enough to cause this much grief for anyone.
Makes me wish to be a hermit on a hillside somewhere.
Rest in peace. You are missed.

a place in this Universe, where good isn’t rewarded or bragged on, but not given any thoughts because it’s the norm? Where pain and sorrow don’t exist. Where all aren’t respected for any particular reason other than they are living beings. All to be not only respected, but admired for their individual beauty be it mental, physical or both?

If you live the one that you have properly. You will write those thousands of books yourself thru experiences lived, not imagined.

and she resides on my front porch. It’s always a thrill to meet her.

man I use to be. Quite possibly, never the man I should have been or was supposed to be. Jury’s still out on that one I guess and only time will tell.

Until this morning I thought I was taking one for the team. It sucked but I had become almost happy about it. This afternoon I found someone took my place. The guilt is nearly overwhelming.

So many out there with so much more to look forward to. And here I am, stealing your precious life.

I’m so very sorry to whoever you might be. I’ll never stop thinking of how to make it right for you.

So yesterday I had to have something performed on me that at a minimum, takes me to the bottom of the deep end. An MRI (not big deal for normal people). Other than the fact it’s a very tight space and I’m very claustrophobic it’s something much more. For me, I have no other way to describe it other than it being inhumane. I give my dog Bulleit more empathy and understanding when he goes to the vet for a checkup. I understand the MRI’s function and I realize it greatly increases the chances of a longer life for many. Hat’s off to the many. I’m truly glad it helped.

At the risk of coming off as a loon, when those trips to the deep and beyond occur, I’ve trained myself to be able to shut down. Think of it as passing out on command.
So yesterday after the prep, leaving humanity at the doorstep, locking up my clothes and valuables, getting into something far more comfortable, yet far more revealing. I get paraded past a few other total strangers in various stages of un-dress and into the MRI room. At this point I was frightened and ready to climb walls or leap off a tall building. Levels of comfort, humanity and all things good known to me were dropping fast. Then seeing the stand of solution that was soon to be in me… the time was near. My body was situated where they wanted it, IV inserted, freak out switch in hand… the walls started moving in on me I did just that. The fear became too great for me to stick around.

This time though my trip to the other side was a little different and to be honest, more than a little haunting. At some point during my escape I spoke with a few people that are no longer with us. Lips didn’t move, voices weren’t heard but we had very clear and concise conversations. One was quite calming and not knowing where or when it exactly happened, looking back, I think it came at a good time.

I believe I went a bit too far in this past trip to nowhere. I experienced more than I should have I think. Sitting writing this all down almost 24 hours to the minute from the exam and new thoughts are still emerging from the experience. Wondering what else is going to come of the self debrief? I have a feeling I’m not done yet though.
I’m not wanting to sound like I accomplished something no other has. I’m not. Getting an MRI is a simple task for most I imagine. I wished I was one of you.

More to come if it/as it occurs.