… since the nuking ceased. Energy levels are steadily improving but I’m still nowhere near the man I was just 6 months ago. Trips outside no longer require scouting for a restroom prior. That in itself is a huge relief. Pun intended!

The brain fog. Deep thoughts come with great difficulty. Sometimes I’ll think of something I want to learn more of. By the time I get my phone out of my pocket I’ve completely forgotten what it was I wanted to research. I stop myself, close my eyes and try to remember. I never had all that much upstairs but I sure miss what little I had. The deep, intense and often emotional thoughts that I would often have and would always treasure are all but gone. If they were elusive like my daily thoughts then it would just be a matter of chasing them down. There simply isn’t anything to chase. That part of me just must come back! As I sit here writing this I remember sitting in some pretty random places pondering. I can see myself sitting there beside a tree, on a beach, on a bench. Now I sit here wondering what all those thoughts were. This part of me must return as looking at the surface doesn’t lead my mind to the depths of previous ponderings.

Anxiety and its even more cruel brother depression. They visit often, they’re both here right now. I wish I had the words but if I did I’d probably do something really stupid and write them down so others would know what living with them is like. They’re beyond the most evil things I’ve ever experienced. They exist everywhere, they can go anywhere and often do conscious or not… yet in reality, neither actually exist.

I need to be able to ponder deeply again. Maybe the sunlight it brings to me will help burn off the fog.