man I use to be. Quite possibly, never the man I should have been or was supposed to be. Jury’s still out on that one I guess and only time will tell.

Until this morning I thought I was taking one for the team. It sucked but I had become almost happy about it. This afternoon I found someone took my place. The guilt is nearly overwhelming.

So many out there with so much more to look forward to. And here I am, stealing your precious life.

I’m so very sorry to whoever you might be. I’ll never stop thinking of how to make it right for you.

So yesterday I had to have something performed on me that at a minimum, takes me to the bottom of the deep end. An MRI (not big deal for normal people). Other than the fact it’s a very tight space and I’m very claustrophobic it’s something much more. For me, I have no other way to describe it other than it being inhumane. I give my dog Bulleit more empathy and understanding when he goes to the vet for a checkup. I understand the MRI’s function and I realize it greatly increases the chances of a longer life for many. Hat’s off to the many. I’m truly glad it helped.

At the risk of coming off as a loon, when those trips to the deep and beyond occur, I’ve trained myself to be able to shut down. Think of it as passing out on command.
So yesterday after the prep, leaving humanity at the doorstep, locking up my clothes and valuables, getting into something far more comfortable, yet far more revealing. I get paraded past a few other total strangers in various stages of un-dress and into the MRI room. At this point I was frightened and ready to climb walls or leap off a tall building. Levels of comfort, humanity and all things good known to me were dropping fast. Then seeing the stand of solution that was soon to be in me… the time was near. My body was situated where they wanted it, IV inserted, freak out switch in hand… the walls started moving in on me I did just that. The fear became too great for me to stick around.

This time though my trip to the other side was a little different and to be honest, more than a little haunting. At some point during my escape I spoke with a few people that are no longer with us. Lips didn’t move, voices weren’t heard but we had very clear and concise conversations. One was quite calming and not knowing where or when it exactly happened, looking back, I think it came at a good time.

I believe I went a bit too far in this past trip to nowhere. I experienced more than I should have I think. Sitting writing this all down almost 24 hours to the minute from the exam and new thoughts are still emerging from the experience. Wondering what else is going to come of the self debrief? I have a feeling I’m not done yet though.
I’m not wanting to sound like I accomplished something no other has. I’m not. Getting an MRI is a simple task for most I imagine. I wished I was one of you.

More to come if it/as it occurs.