“Die with memories, not dreams.”

Typical but the version I’ve lived always required more words.

“Life is a playground with a lot of rides. When its over i will have ridden them all knowing which ones to ignore and which to keep riding.”

But I don’t have one!

Now thoughts? Yes, I have a few. Would I like to be your prince again, your knight in shining armor? More than anything I would!

I don’t think my armor shines much anymore though and a prince I never was nor the king that may have followed.

I’m just me. A guy that’s had an admiration of you that I don’t believe you ever noticed or saw. Was I perfect? Absolutely not, far from it.

One of the worst experiences in my life happened in a rest area and here I am having a nervous breakdown in another one.

I wonder how long I’ll be here?

May very well be the beginning of something positive. A way out of this cage I’ve constructed for myself.

I just don’t want to get my hopes up too much. It’ll be crushing if it fails.

Edit 2-22-25: crushing it wasn’t but a failure it was.

At one time in my life I looked forward to them. The day or night versions suited me just fine but the bad ones we humans call nightmares were much better having experienced asleep as when I woke I realized that it was just my dark imagination run amuck.

I never thought about them much more than what I just wrote. I just enjoyed the good ones and was amazed at times at how the mind worked with the bad ones.

These past weeks have changed it all. My pleasant dreams are rare and my nightmares are from past experiences hidden until now.

Frame by frame my mind is being torn apart… by itself.

do it if you really wanted to! If I hear that one more time I’m going to get sick.

Maybe I will do it and somewhere in the process I’ll bonk and die doing what others thought I could still do if ‘I wanted to’. I could be fish food and training for the Coasties while I proved to them that they were wrong.

This is what I want to do. This is what I did not all that long ago. This is what I can’t do… even if I wanted.

At 67, what has kept me alive all these years was knowing my limitations.

Peace.

Or is the title and body in reverse order?

that inspired me to do some pretty crazy stuff especially at my age. To be cont…

I’ve never been able to describe it. But this is the most accurate I’ve found so far.

Please read.

Some people are so dead-set against feeling anything they don’t want to face that they isolate themselves away from any potential “triggers.” If they don’t spend time with friends or family members, then those people can’t say or do anything that might crack their tightly-sealed doors open.

If they have to communicate with others, it’s via brief emails or texts. Or they might go “no-contact” entirely and become complete social recluses.

Their rationale is that they can keep avoiding all these uncomfortable emotions if they simply pretend they don’t exist. Sort of like when little kids don’t quite get the concept of hide and seek, and think that if they close their eyes tight enough, not only can they not see you – you can’t see them either.

The only way they can keep that pretense going is by not giving anyone the opportunity to tell them otherwise.

The problem here is that this kind of self-isolation exacerbates all kinds of emotional instabilities. When people get reclusive, they can lose their ability to interact or empathize with others. Furthermore, they might develop more serious conditions like agoraphobia. What started out as a desire to be left alone might evolve into the inability to leave their apartment or house.

Eventually, they become trapped by the very walls they erected to protect themselves.

music, and a good stiff bourbon straight up are the only things that keep me going.