May very well be the beginning of something positive. A way out of this cage I’ve constructed for myself.

I just don’t want to get my hopes up too much. It’ll be crushing if it fails.

Outside alone staring at the sun sinking
Remembering when I looked for experiences
Wondering what became of me and my world
Outside wondering when I got old, wishing it over

It’s all gone
No happiness left
Nothing feels right
Hopes and dreams faded long ago

I’ve lost myself in nightmares
They’re all I have left
Cold frightening thoughts

Alone with nothing, but frightening thoughts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now let’s see how I can simplify it, possibly bettering it.

Watching in solitude a sunset
Thinking of my past
Recalling moments captured
Wondering when they collapsed
What became of me
And why
When did I get old
Wishing it was over
It’s all gone
No happiness
No feelings
Hopes and dreams faded
Lost in nightmares
My always silent companion
Bearing frightening thoughts
Alone with nothing
But crowded with frightening thoughts

At one time in my life I looked forward to them. The day or night versions suited me just fine but the bad ones we humans call nightmares were much better having experienced asleep as when I woke I realized that it was just my dark imagination run amuck.

I never thought about them much more than what I just wrote. I just enjoyed the good ones and was amazed at times at how the mind worked with the bad ones.

These past weeks have changed it all. My pleasant dreams are rare and my nightmares are from past experiences hidden until now.

Frame by frame my mind is being torn apart… by itself.

do it if you really wanted to! If I hear that one more time I’m going to get sick.

Maybe I will do it and somewhere in the process I’ll bonk and die doing what others thought I could still do if ‘I wanted to’. I could be fish food and training for the Coasties while I proved to them that they were wrong.

This is what I want to do. This is what I did not all that long ago. This is what I can’t do… even if I wanted.

At 67, what has kept me alive all these years was knowing my limitations.

Peace.

Or is the title and body in reverse order?

that inspired me to do some pretty crazy stuff especially at my age. To be cont…

I’ve never been able to describe it. But this is the most accurate I’ve found so far.

Please read.

Some people are so dead-set against feeling anything they don’t want to face that they isolate themselves away from any potential “triggers.” If they don’t spend time with friends or family members, then those people can’t say or do anything that might crack their tightly-sealed doors open.

If they have to communicate with others, it’s via brief emails or texts. Or they might go “no-contact” entirely and become complete social recluses.

Their rationale is that they can keep avoiding all these uncomfortable emotions if they simply pretend they don’t exist. Sort of like when little kids don’t quite get the concept of hide and seek, and think that if they close their eyes tight enough, not only can they not see you – you can’t see them either.

The only way they can keep that pretense going is by not giving anyone the opportunity to tell them otherwise.

The problem here is that this kind of self-isolation exacerbates all kinds of emotional instabilities. When people get reclusive, they can lose their ability to interact or empathize with others. Furthermore, they might develop more serious conditions like agoraphobia. What started out as a desire to be left alone might evolve into the inability to leave their apartment or house.

Eventually, they become trapped by the very walls they erected to protect themselves.

music, and a good stiff bourbon straight up are the only things that keep me going.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/medical/the-psychological-toll-of-repeat-hurricane-exposure-should-not-be-overlooked/ar-AA1snZBL?ocid=sapphireappshare

Our battle with Mother Earth a few weeks back was fought with water. Sadly, about a foot more than my trench could handle but I was fortunate. Others died defending theirs.

Yesterday, this morning, last night… I honestly can’t remember we got hit with the winds from our next battle. Thankfully they were blowing in our favor and not too hard. Suffered minimal wind damage with water levels in the negatives. Looking out into the darkness at 3 am was an eerie sight seeing the shadows of branches moving across the walls. I’ll not soon forget the experience.

This afternoon I saw Blackhawks, Jayhawks, as well as a 4 ship sortie of Chinooks (Army and Coastie helicopters btw) fly overhead on the way to the poor souls just south of us all. All using the coast as a compass I’m assuming as they all flew just west of us at around 3k feet if I had to guess.

Forget the brilliance of the aircraft designers, forget the commands of the politicians.

Never!! forget those onboard doing it because they wanted, because they knew others were in need even though many may have been in a similar situation themselves. Wherever they may call home!

Peace, a hearty thanks and a sharp salute to you all. You’re awesome!