… since the end of radiation treatments. The following aren’t complaints. They’re just the very real physical and emotional issues either directly or indirectly brought on from being nuked. No particular order either. They are all quite common to some degree. At some point during my day they are all experienced. Sometimes they’re just an inconvenience, sometimes they just shatter me on the inside.
* Mental withdrawal. I often just want to be somewhere else. Almost anywhere would be acceptable. I’ve sometimes even left my furry friend behind as I find it difficult to be responsible for anything but myself. Sometimes I simply don’t care about much.
* Emotional meltdowns. Duration and severity is a toss of the dice. The long and nasty ones nearly take me over the edge. An immensely overwhelming feeling of despair.
* Never, and I mean never be more than just a few minutes from a restroom or at least a private spot in the woods. A rather disgusting thing to write much less read but it’s reality.
* Brain Fog. The inability to concentrate is pretty bad. More often than not I get so confused I don’t know (or forget) what I’m confused about. It’s like seeing a train coming. Do I move because I know it’s going to hurt or do I fail to realize it’s a damn train coming at me. I find myself sitting down, pulling over etc. just to regroup. I know I miss things, I just don’t know what they were. It’s difficult to explain but I know the feeling that I’m missing something all too well.
* Fatigue Part 1
I wear myself out mentally just trying to remember what not to forget.
* Fatigue Part 2
I often become so physically exhausted just getting up to brush my teeth and into bed I pass on. Wherever I happen to be at that moment is where I sleep for the night.
* Over sleeping. Well let’s see. 2 or 3 half hour naps during the day. 10 to 12 hours at night. I’ve seen too much of the inside of my eyelids.
* My search for compassionate thoughts, views and feelings of empathy, have never been greater. I find myself going to great lengths just to see a spark. A small flame would be excellent to gaze at or ponder but I’m more than satisfied with just a brief, momentary spark. When found, I find myself nearly overwhelmed in joy. Sadly it’s always temporary but I still try very hard to keep it lit. Then poof!