put into words how badly I simply don’t want to be anything right now. I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be here. I feel as if I’m losing all connectivity to everything. At times I have thoughts that I know what I’m missing but they never quite appear. The feeling of separation, the disconnect is overwhelming me. I’m broken somewhere, it’s about the only thing I’m sure of.

I’m just incredibly lost in my own body

many guys in my life. Angry, sad, happy, mean, stupid, etc. No different than many I guess. I don’t know as I’ve always just been myself to me. Some have seen only the worst in me, some have seen the best I could be. Some have seen all my versions.

I’ve never been a social person but when I meet someone that I feel ‘gets it’. I latch onto them like a barnacle. That has spooked a lot of people as they just get weirded out sometimes. I get it and if you happen to be one of them, I sincerely apologize. I’m not a creep, I just saw something in you at a much deeper level.

I’m at a point in my life where things are different now though. A big deal to another means nothing to me but on the other hand, a major event to me leaves others wondering what was so special about that? I get that as well and completely understand.

I’m being force fed a large amount of humanity and compassion right now and it appears my new diet is making me a different person.

I want so much to be understanding towards others without so much any care of being understood. I want so much just to see and feel contentment in another and the ‘another’ doesn’t necessarily have to be human.

This is my latest friend. She’s been through hell and back on several occasions, this I know. She was never spooked by my abundance of care but I know she appreciated it as she presented me this evening with all she had to give.

Yeah, that’s all probably just a little weird to read. I get that too.

Impossible Things

Remember how it used to be
When the sun would fill the sky
Remember how we used to feel
Those days would never end
Those days would never end

Remember how it used to be
When the stars would fill the sky
Remember how we used to dream
Those nights would never end
Those nights would never end

It was the sweetness of your skin
It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish impossible things
To wish impossible things
To wish impossible things

But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is gray
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away

And all I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away
All I wish is gone away

In life, as in living. I’m seeing too much strife, pain, and death. All too much for me to see or experience, too much for me to process and comprehend.

Peace, comfort, solace. It shouldn’t be something man nor beast should have to struggle to see or experience.

I don’t know of anyone in my family that isn’t having rather serious issues. Mom is doing better but better isn’t much to speak about. Both sisters and my brother have everything from requiring oxygen to a pacemaker to some therapy to get their bones to heal properly.

My marriage of 40 years is on the rocks. My best friend has another inner ear infection and is stumbling around but he’s getting better I think. Please Bulleit, get better. I need you right now. I hope you see that when I look at you.

Skin cancer was diagnosed last week and radiation was discussed and quickly rejected. This isn’t life, this isn’t living. It quite simply isn’t even an existence. It’s just a living horror that I would wish upon no one.

Someday I’m going to find a rabbit hole so mysterious, so deep and wide I won’t want to leave. Someday

… I go to places in nature and purposely leave my camera in my van. I don’t want a digital memory of something that to me is indescribable. I want to capture the moment in my mind as there’s a permanence to it. If I forget the moment, then it wasn’t all that great in the first place. The best images aren’t made of gold that require an occasional polishing, they always shine bright. Most of my life’s most wonderful experiences will go with me. Shining quite bright might add.

To be honest, I don’t quite remember where I was going with all of that last paragraph but it was meaningful… while it lasted. I promise!

Had I known earlier, what life had in store for me, I’d have played this game of life just a little harder. Less fear and apprehension, more risks, more living.

… and no way to put it into words. What a shame Marty.

I’ve discovered more about life in these past few years than I have in the 63 previous. I might be a little late in the game but I arrived early enough to still be a part of it.

Life. It’s mundane for some and a struggle for so many.

Life for this guy started 9 months before I appeared. The understanding of it all began at a time I don’t recollect but I wish dearly to have known.

I’ve seen life, I’ve lived a good bit of it. I’ve seen birth. I’ve seen death. Sometimes immediate, and now a much slower progression to the inevitable. It’s something I’ll have to deal with and grasp again but I don’t know how much more.

It’s hollow. To see it happening in real time is more than I think this guy can handle. Everything I know is disappearing. Going to another place.

And all I can do is sit on the sidelines, trying to make another’s journey as pleasant as I can.

I wasn’t built for all of this.

all in a dream just prior to it all happening. Yes, it’s documented. I saw my mother in pain and distress and there wasn’t a thing I could do. It was horrific. I woke the next day to a text from my sister saying exactly what I saw the day prior. I wrote this after waking from the nightmares. ‘I hope more than anything that these next few days will be a turning point for my family. It really needs to happen.’
‘Peace’

Well it didn’t!

Now here I am packing to see her in her last days. It’s taken me hours to get ready when it should have only taken 45 minutes. I’m quite awake right now and I’m getting glimpses of something bad happening beyond what is already expected. My BP is much higher than I’d like, my anxiety pill was taken earlier so this all shouldn’t be happening to me. But here it is!

I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t scared. It’s like I’m lost and knowingly headed into something bad. I do not like what’s going on in this little mind of mine. I just want to get there safely to see my Mom. After that I don’t care what happens to me as long as whatever does, only involves me.

Be wrong this time Marty. Please be wrong.

… a few nights ago. Not until now did I realize many parts of it were happening in real life or were about to start.

My Mother is being prepared for hospice. I feel her in my heart and she’s happy about it as after having lost her husband, social life, mobility, and so many of the other things we humans desire. She’s simply done with this life of 95 years. I understand and don’t blame her.

I Love You So Very Much Mom. I’ll see you soon ok. I hope you feel my thoughts as I think I feel yours.

… simply isn’t long enough to be living in strife. It should be as open and as understanding of another as is humanly possible. Disputes, arguing, battles, wars simply shouldn’t be any part of anyone’s reality.

We’re better than this! Then again, maybe I’m just an idiot dreaming of what could be. What should be.